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Thread: Script of New Episode of YCDTOTV Part 1

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    Lightbulb Script of New Episode of YCDTOTV Part 1

    To pay my respects to one of the greatest shows ever in TV, I write this script for an episode of You Can't Do That On Television. This episode is dedicated to the entire cast, but especially to the memory of a man who put light in my eyes when all else was fading. Thank you for your humor, your skill, and all of the joy you brought into my life. This one's for you guys!

    And before you ask, yes this is an original work that I did myself.


    A visual graphic appears of a shattered hourglass with the sands made into a castle.

    ANNOUNCER (V. O.): One Life to Waste will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following program, which is also very outdated.


    MIKEY, a 30-year old man that looks like he just woke up after a 12-year nap, stumbles onto the lit-up link set. Still trying to get his bearings, he trips over himself and lands on the highest riser.

    MIKEY: What the... Where am I? Hey! Can anyone hear me?

    The room is silent except for one man, about fifteen years older than Mikey, is drinking coffee and sitting on a fold-up chair. Mikey notices him and, after a small headshake to focus himself, notices the nametag of "Boss".

    MIKEY: Excuse me. Can you help me, uh... sir?

    BOSS: Well, actually, I believe you are here to help me.

    MIKEY (standing up in center of link set): How do you figure? Where am I, anyway?

    BOSS: Isn't it obvious? You're on the set. Congratulations, you're an actor.

    Mikey looks around the entire set and sees only Boss and one man behind the camera. Looking confused, he turns back to Boss.

    MIKEY: Actor? Where's the set? The costumes? The makeup people?

    BOSS (chuckles a bit): Yer standing on the set and you're wearing the costume. The makeup, well, they couldn't help you.

    MIKEY: Look at me very carefully... Boss. Do I even remotely look like an actor to you?

    BOSS: Hey, you get what you pay for, kid.

    MIKEY: Pay for? (looking upset) All right, now... where am I and how did I get here? I want a straight answer.

    Boss sighs, puts his coffee down, and walks right up to Mikey.

    BOSS: Look, kid. There was a show about twenty years ago. On that show, we tried to improve the cast of it on the last episode. So, we created a machine to do just that.

    MIKEY: Then get the machine out here because obviously it's got some wires crossed.

    BOSS: A lot more than that. You see, the machine was programmed to get a cast that would work long, cheap hours and could sustain itself on food that the FDA rejects.

    MIKEY: Well, one part's covered. I'm from New York; I could eat almost anything and live.

    BOSS (happily): See? The machine has done its job. Now, all you have to do is read the cue cards and follow the scripts.

    MIKEY: Or?

    BOSS (somewhat disturbed): You have to live on the set... with me.

    Mikey considers his options. He took a look at the director then around the set. Looking disappointed, he stared at Boss.

    MIKEY: All right, fine. But, I don't think I can do this show alone.

    BOSS: The others are coming. Give the machine time to do its work. Besides, it was built in 1990. You know how long it would take for it to do anything else after bringing you here? It's probably fried itself by now!

    Mikey, a quick adapter and very smart, looked at his watch. It was still working.

    MIKEY: Three... two... cue opening titles.

    BOSS: Hey, I'm the dir...



    Boss is giving Mikey a tour of the set. Mikey sees another young man in his early twenties, chained to the wall. Mikey looks shocked and runs over to help.

    MIKEY: Hey! Hey, pal! Wake up!

    The young man in chains shakes his head and looks up at Mikey. He screams, followed by Mikey's scream.

    BOSS: Relax. This is just the dungeon. It's where we keep the actors who don't follow the rules.

    YOUNG MAN IN CHAINS: Can you... help me?

    MIKEY: I'd like to. What's your name?

    FRANKIE: My name is Frankie. Who are you?

    MIKEY: I'm Mikey. That guy over there is the Boss.

    BOSS: See? I told you that others would be coming, Mikey.

    MIKEY: Yeah, yeah. Look, while we're on the subject, what are the rules?

    BOSS: I'm glad you asked that. It's the next part of the tour. Let's, uh, get Frankie down from there and we'll keep going.

    Mikey looks around for the keys, but is not successful.

    MIKEY: Where are the keys?

    Boss thinks for a moment, then his face falls.

    BOSS: Well, when the show was cancelled years back, some of the props had to go and...

    FRANKIE: I'm stuck in here?

    MIKEY: Not quite. Boss, come here for a second.

    Boss walks over to Mikey. Mikey removes the headset from Boss's head and smears his hand over the top of Boss's head.

    BOSS: Hey! This hair is professionally done. You can't just walk up and mess my hair up! It's against the rules.

    MIKEY: Well, your stylist needs to use a little more style and a lot less gel.

    Mikey smears Frankie's wrists with the gel and is able to slide him free.

    FRANKIE: Thanks, man.

    MIKEY: No problem.

    BOSS: All right, all right. Follow me. The rules are in detention.

    Boss starts walking away. Frankie and Mikey are right behind him. Frankie still looks confused, but Mikey's wide awake now.

    FRANKIE: Mikey?

    MIKEY: Yeah?

    FRANKIE: Uhh... what am I doing here?

    MIKEY: I don't know.

    Mikey gets slimed. This time, the color is a rich white color. Mikey just stands there while Frankie laughs.

    BOSS: I'll explain that on the way.

    Mikey just glares offset, presuming to be at Boss. Mikey gives Frankie a little slap on the shoulder to get him to stop laughing and they exit.

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