For this sketch, Alasdair, Lisa, Mikey, Frankie, and Nikki will be in separate lockers. All of them are spaced so that there is at least one closed locker between the two speakers. The speaking characters will open their lockers first before speaking and will remain so until scripted otherwise.

NIKKI: Oh, Lisa?

LISA: Yes, Nikki?

NIKKI: Did you know that there is a new video game out just for adults?

LISA: Oh, no. This isn't... graphic, is it?

NIKKI: No, not really. You know that video games are a way to go into a new reality, right?

LISA: Yeah.

NIKKI: Well, in this game, parents can actually relax while their kids do chores.

Both lockers closed.

ALASDAIR: Hey, Mikey.

MIKEY: Yes, Alasdair?

ALASDAIR: Does this locker feel... uncomfortable to you?

MIKEY: Not really. It is a new experience for me, but I'm adjusting just fine. Why do you ask?

ALASDAIR: Well, I have a problem with closed spaces.

MIKEY: Oh, yer claustrophobic.

ALASDAIR: No, I said closed spaces. I have all these quarters and the arcade is closed.

Both lockers close.

FRANKIE: Hey, Lisa.

LISA: Yes, Frankie?

FRANKIE: Who would you say is your favorite person on set?

LISA: Anyone that has food and shares. What about you?

FRANKIE: Anyone that can write new material for these locker jokes.

Both lockers close.

MIKEY: Hey, Nikki.

NIKKI: Yeah, Mikey?

MIKEY: Did you hear that a local news station wanted to hire a new weatherman?

NIKKI: No. Did they find anyone?

MIKEY: Well, sort of. They didn't want him. They said he was too... uptight.

NIKKI: Who'd they try to hire?

MIKEY: Chicken Little. The sky is falling! The sky is falling!

Both lockers close.

LISA: Hey, Alasdair?

ALASDAIR: Yes, Lisa?

LISA: Do you know how many locker jokes we've done so far?

ALASDAIR: I forget. How many?

LISA: One. This one.

ALASDAIR: Lisa, that's not possible. We were on this show for years before this.

LISA: Yeah, but this is the only locker joke that was any good.

Both lockers close.

FRANKIE (to the camera): If that last locker was any good, it would be new to me.

All open their lockers.

ALL BUT FRANKIE: It's not new!

FRANKIE: See, now it makes sense!

All lockers close.


Lisa is at the post. The EXECUTIONER, a robed man with a sword, gives it a slight polish before turning his attention to the invisible firing squad.

EXECUTIONER: Ready! Aim...

LISA: Wait, wait. Stop the execution.

EXECUTIONER: What is it now?

LISA: Sir, I can't be killed now.

EXECUTIONER: And why not?

Lisa looks a little down before answering.

LISA: Well, sir, I haven't lived a life. I was looking forward to starting something new. You know... taking my life in a new direction.


The executioner sighs briefly and looks at his sword.

EXECUTIONER (CONT'D): Now, see here. We both know that you don't have another chance at life. This is the only one you've got. And you had to waste it sitting in a classroom during an opposite sketch!

LISA: But that's not my fault. I didn't understand how to complete the assignment.

The executioner looks almost ashamed to ask the question on his mind, but feels he must.

EXECUTIONER: All right then. What was the assignment? It won't get you out of the execution, though.

Lisa thinks for a moment and her eyes light up as if she has an idea.

LISA: Well, how about this. If you can complete the assignment that I couldn't, then you can execute me. Fair enough?

EXECUTIONER (after a pause): All right. Fine. What was the assignment?

LISA: The assignment was an essay to one question. Where does the time go?

The executioner looks down in thought. He sways a bit from the heat before he starts pacing in front of the post starting to mumble thoughts out. Lisa takes this opportunity to sneak away from the executioner.

EXECUTIONER: And what about the time...

The executioner has noticed that Lisa is trying to escape.

EXECUTIONER (CONT'D): Hey! Get back here! I have to finish this execution in a few minutes. I have a stew on the fire!

The executioner holds up his hand to the squad, but they fire anyway. The executioner starts to collapse to the ground.

EXECUTIONER: That is one... sneaky... kid.