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 An original YCDTOTV script written by Bob Morris Copyright 2003, Bob Morris
INTRODUCING: [Fade up: The pre-empt. A photo of Regis Philbin holding up a big check, just out of reach of a bunch of hands reaching upwards. It looks like Regis is taunting whoever is trying to reach out for the check.] Announcer: "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire... Too Bad, You'll Never Be One" will not be seen at this time. In its place, we bring you the following show that has gone bankrupt, at least creatively. [Scene: The firing squad set. El Capitano is next to Ryan who stands up in front of the post. El Capitano gives the signal, raising his sword.] El Capitano: Ready... aim... Ryan: Wait, wait... stop the execution! El Capitano: [flustered] What is it this time? Ryan: What am I being shot for again? El Capitano: You are being executed because you wrote us a check for insufficient funds and it bounced when we tried to cash it. [turning to the firing squad] Right, amigos? Amigos: [off-screen] Si! El Capitano: Now... no more interruptions... ready... aim... Ryan: But wait! I made a deposit the day you cashed the check! El Capitano: Wait a minute, amigos... [turning to Ryan] ...you did? Ryan: I deposited the money at three o'clock! El Capitano: At three o' clock... oh, kid, how could you have been so stupid? You needed to deposit the money at two o'clock or it wouldn't be recorded until the next business day! Ryan: Oh no... El Capitano: [walking in front of Ryan and holding up his hands in disbelief] Honestly, kid, how could you forget about that? Why, if you were holding a job and you made a mistake like that, what would your boss say? Why, you could be... fired! [And the shots start going off and El Capitano drops to his knees and drops his sword.] El Capitano: Ooooh... [He then falls to the ground. Ryan looks over him, then looks to the amigos.] Ryan: Well, if it'll help, I'll pay for the funeral... will you take a check? Amigos: [off-screen] No checks! [Ryan suddenly holds up his hands, as if the firing squad is ready to open fire. Cu: The opening of animation and theme music. Cut: The doctor's office. Sitting opposite from the doctor is Emily. The doctor goes over a sheet of paper.] Doctor: Now, let's see here, kid... you are here because you have... a problem with your ATM card? Emily: Yes, doc, you see I... Doctor: Wait a second, kid... if you have a problem with your ATM card, why don't you just see the bank about it? [Camera now cuts to Emily.] Emily: No, Doc, you don't understand. You see, when I went to put my ATM card into the slot, I didn't pull my fingers away fast enough and... my fingers got stuck in the ATM. [She then holds up her hand... unusually large and flattened.] Doctor: Oooh... this is gonna cost you extra. [Pauses] You did get your cash from the machine, didn't you? [Cut: To the link set. Here we find Tiffany seated by herself, the camera close up on her.] Tiffany: Hi, and welcome to an episode of You Can't Do That On Television that I have personally looked forward to. Today's show is about banking and budgets, and our producer told us that, for doing this show, we'd all get a bonus! [And at this point, Ross walks onto the set.] Ross: Um, I'm sorry, Tiffany, but there's not going to be any bonuses. Tiffany: What?! Why not? Ross: Well, you see, we are under strict orders to make sure the budget is balanced, and this show is running in the red. Tiffany: What happened? Ross: Well, the producer spent a little too much money on catering. Tiffany: Well, I... [pauses] Catering? Ross, when have we ever had catering on this show? Ross: Oh, the catering wasn't for you kids. No, not at all. It was the producer who had all his meals catered to include filet mignon every day for lunch... Tiffany: Filet mignon? Ross: [continuing without acknowledging Tiffany] ...and it ended up eating into our profit margin. So... no bonuses... and another thing... in order to help us get back into the black... we had to get rid of your health insurance. [He walks off set as Tiffany shakes her head, but then pauses for a moment.] Tiffany: Health insurance? [Pause] We had health insurance? [Cut: The living room set. Lance Prevert is going over a sheet of paper. Valerie is sitting in a chair opposite Lance. Lance looks over the paper and is bug-eyed.] Lance: What is this... how did our credit card bill end up with twelve hundred dollars on it? [Looks at Valerie] Valerie, didn't I talk to you about our credit card debt being too high? Valerie: Lance, you did, and yes, I made sure I stayed within my budget. Of the one hundred dollars you said I could spend on anything I wanted, I only spent ninety dollars this month. Lance: Then where did this charge come from?! [Looks closely at it.] Bill's Computer Sales... [And in walks Jeff, carrying what appears to be a laptop computer. He sits down in another chair and begins to work with the laptop.] Lance: Hold on... Jeff, where did you get that? Jeff: Oh, Dad, I bought it the other day on your credit card so I could help you with keeping track of your finances. Lance: And how, may I ask, will this help me keep track of finances? Jeff: See, Dad, it's got this really cool program that automatically balances a budget for you and... Lance: Wait just a minute... Jeff, we already have a computer! Why didn't you just buy the software? Jeff: Dad, that computer is outdated. The software won't run on it. You really should have spent the money to upgrade it. Valerie: Lance, Jeff has a point there... Lance: Valerie! Don't encourage him! [Cut: The school room. Kids are talking, throwing paper, making noise in general, until Mr. Shidler raps his pointer on the desk to get their attention.] Mr. Shidler: Class, listen up! Today, we are going to learn about balanced budgets, and specifically, learn how to handle income versus expenses. [He motions to the blackboard, on which is written "INKOME VS. X-PENCES."] Mr. Shilder: Now then, class, we shall... [Stopping, noticing someone raising their hand] What is it, Margie? Margie: Well, sir, shouldn't you be paying us money to help us balance our budgets? Mr. Shilder: Margie... why would I being paying you for anything? Margie: Sir, we spent a lot of money on school supplies like pencils, paper, notebooks... plus I have to keep a cell phone in case my mom needs to talk to me so... Mr. Shilder: Margie... I am NOT going to pay you any money! Margie: But sir, how can I balance my budget then? With the money I spent, I'm in the red now! Mr. Shilder: [flustered] Where does the school board find them... why do they keep sending them to me? [Cut: The link set, where we find Tiffany and Ryan sitting down. Ross then walks out onto the set.] Tiffany: Oh, hi Ross. Did you get those money matters taken care of? Ross: Did we ever! We didn't just balance the budget... we found out we are ten thousand dollars in the black! Ryan: [smiling] Hey, that's great! Ross: And to celebrate... the producer is giving everyone a raise! Tiffany: [excited] A raise! That's great! Ross: And, furthermore, there was enough money left over for everyone here to have... a pizza party! [Out walks a stagehand carrying about ten pizza boxes.] Ryan: Wow... can you believe it! Tiffany: I can, Ryan, because it can only mean one thing... Ryan: [pausing] Wait a minute... you mean... Tiffany, Ryan and Ross [together]: The introduction to the opposites! [Tiffany and Ryan decide to enjoy pizza while they can, as the screen flips and the opposites begin. Cut: Living room set. Lance Prevert sitting in his chair as Tiffany is heading for the door.] Lance: Wait just a minute... Tiffany, where do you think you are going? Tiffany: Well, Dad, I was going to the bank to make a deposit... I just wanted to put my birthday money into my savings account. Lance: Savings account? Tiffany, I have told you that saving for college is not necessary... [he stands up and pulls out his wallet] ...now here, you take my credit card... Tiffany: Dad, no, I don't want to... Lance: No, young lady... you take my credit card and you go to the mall and buy yourself some new clothes, get yourself some CDs and video games, and by all means, treat yourself to the most expensive lunch you can. Tiffany: But, Dad, how can you pay off a debt like that? Lance: Young lady... you do as you are told! Now, go on... money is to be spent! [He shoos Tiffany out the door. Cut: To the dungeon. Nasti walks in as we find Ryan chained up to the wall.] Nasti: Oh Ryan... guess what we did for you today? Ryan: Oh boy.. you're gonna whip me until my back is bruised... you're gonna boil me in oil... you're gonna make me do 100 push-ups? Nasti: No, Ryan... actually, we decided to open a bank account for you in the amount of one hundred thousand dollars! Ryan: No, I don't want all that money... why can't you boil me in oil? Nasti: Oh no... [he then presents a checkbook to Ryan] ...now, this is your checkbook, you can write a check for any amount you want... you can get yourself all the Barth burgers you want... and if you happen to overwrite, don't worry, we will pay the overdraft fee. Ryan: No, I don't want to... [pauses] ...wait a minute... could I write you a $100 check to be whipped until my back is bruised? Nasti: No... I don't think so... that is not for sale. Ryan: Oh, come on! [Cut: Out in front of the Prevert residence. We find Lance Prevert on his knees in front of a tree seedling, and it appears he is trying to shove a five-dollar bill into the dirt around the seedling. Along comes Jeff, who finds Lance doing this work and is curious.] Jeff: Um, Dad... what are you doing? Lance: Oh, Jeff... [standing up] ...I'm glad you came along... you see, I am putting these five-dollar bills into the ground to act as fertilizer for a money tree. Jeff: Dad... you're kidding me, right? Money doesn't grow on trees, you know. Lance: Now, just a minute, Jeff... money DOES grow on trees... how do you think we've been able to live as well as we do? Jeff: I thought you balanced your budget every month. Lance: Oh, come on, who needs to balance a budget when you have a money tree! [He guides Jeff to a nearby fully-grown tree, which has one hundred dollar bills hanging from its branches.] Lance: Jeff, here is our money tree! Now... [he reaches up to pull down a one hundred dollar bill and gives it to Jeff] ...you go down to the store and get yourself that Playstation on sale. Jeff: But, Dad, shouldn't I be saving this for the future? Lance: You won't HAVE a future unless you buy that Playstation! Now GO! [Jeff looks upset, but hurries off. Cut: Back to the link set where we find Tiffany, Ryan, Jeff, Emily and Margie all enjoying pizza. Until, of course, the screen flips over. And then, out walks Ross.] Ross: Hold it right there... this pizza cost us a lot of money! We need to take it back for a refund! Kids: No, Ross, come on! [Ross does not listen to their pleas, taking away slices of pizza from the kids as Tiffany turns to address the home audience.] Tiffany: Well, back to reality. Ross: By the way, this is coming out of all your paychecks! [The kids all groan. Cut: Barth's Burgery. Emily and Margie are seated opposite from each other, a burger in front of each of them, which neither one is eating. Emily then looks over to a nearby sign.] Emily: Hey Barth... when did you start taking checks from customers? [Cut briefly to a sign on the wall which says "Checks Now Accepted."] Barth: Well, Emily, I just wanted to offer my customers more options to pay for their meals. Margie: Actually, Emily, the restaurant next door doesn't take checks and Barth was desperate for new business. Barth: Dah, I heard that! And that is not true! I am trying to be more consumer friendly and offering customers more options to pay for meals does just that! Emily: Yeah, what's wrong with wanting to be consumer friendly? Margie: Emily... he'll only be consumer friendly if the checks don't bounce. Emily: So what's wrong with that, Margie? Wouldn't Barth want to make sure his customers' checks are good? Margie: No, Emily, it' what happens when a customer bounces a check. [Pulls up the bun on her burger] Who do you think is in the burgers? Barth: Dah, I heard that! [Cut: The link set. Tiffany and Margie are sitting opposite each other.] Tiffany: I can't believe we got our paychecks cut again! Margie: I know... Tiffany, this whole business with the producer spending all the money is getting out of hand! Tiffany: Well, what can we do to stop him? He is the producer. Margie: Well... I don't know. [Margie gets slimed. And then, Ross walks onto the set.] Ross: Ah, kids, I forgot to tell you something... you see, the slime is costing us a lot of money, so the producer told us that, if any of you get slimed, you have to pay me $10 for that. So, Margie... [holds out his hand] pay up. Margie: What?! [Tiffany is chuckling a bit, but puts her hand over her head, shaking her head as if she can't believe it. Cut: The living room set. Lance Prevert and Valerie are sitting in chairs. Into the room walks Emily, and she approaches Lance.] Emily: Dad, can I have ten dollars? Lance: Do I look like I am made of money? Emily: But, Dad... Lance: Now, look, Emily, you can't just keep coming up to me asking for money. You should make sure to save money you get for your birthday and Christmas and other holidays in a savings account. Then, you can let it build up interest, have more money available as a result and then you wouldn't need to ask me for money. Valerie: You see, Emily, now that's some good advice to follow! Emily: Yeah, Mom, you're right. [turning back to Lance] Dad, can I have ten dollars? Lance: [flustered] Emily... what did I just tell you... Emily: Dad, just think of it as an advance on the birthday money you give me. Valerie: Lance, you know, our daughter is getting pretty smart about money. Lance: Valerie! Don't encourage her! [Cut: The row of lockers. Out pops Ryan.] Ryan: Hey Tiffany. Tiffany: Yes Ryan? Ryan: Did you know my father had the wrong idea about balancing a budget? Tiffany: What did he try to do? Ryan: He put his checkbook on one side of a scale and his credit cards on the other. Tiffany: [groans] That was just bad. [As they go back into their lockers, Margie pops out of hers.] Margie: You think that one was bad... hey Emily. Emily: Yes Margie? Margie: My father tried saving money by hiding it under his mattress. Emily: Well, what happened? Margie: He missed a payment and the repo man took his bed away. Emily: Oh, that one was bad. [As they go back into their lockers, Jeff pops out of his.] Jeff: You haven't heard the worst yet... hey Tiffany. Tiffany: Yes Jeff? Jeff: Did you know my father played the real estate market once? Tiffany: Really, Jeff... how did he do? Jeff: Well, he won his game of Monopoly, so he did pretty well. [Jeff goes back into his locker as Tiffany groans.] Tiffany: This is just so bad... why are all the jokes so bad today? Margie: [popping out of her locker] You didn't hear the news? Tiffany: What news, Margie? Margie: They had to let go of the guy who wrote our locker jokes to help balance the budget. Tiffany: Well, you would think the jokes would have gotten BETTER with him gone. Margie: You know... that's a good point. [Both Tiffany and Margie return to their lockers. Cut: The school detention hall. The principal walks forward to a desk, at which Tiffany is seated. The principal holds a huge book.] Principal: Now, Tiffany, you are to copy down pages three-hundred-thirty-two to one-thousand-five-hundred-sixty-seven of this dictionary, word for word. Tiffany: For what? Why am I here in detention? Principal: You are here because you withdrew money out of the student council account at the bank and used it to purchase clothing! Now... [he drops the dictionary on the desk with a thunk] ...get busy! Tiffany: But sir, those clothes were for a class activity! Principal: Class activity? Tiffany: Yes, sir... you see, the other day it was Spirit Day... the day the student council asks everyone to dress up in our school colors, blue and white. So I bought a blue blouse and a white skirt to wear for Spirit Day. Principal: Oh... class activity... sponsored by student council... all right, I was wrong. You can go. Tiffany: Thank you, sir. Principal: Don't mention it... now get out of here! [Tiffany walks over to the door, opening it, but before she leaves, she turns to the camera.] Tiffany: You know, sometimes it's so easy, I'm ashamed of myself. [She then departs. Cut: The link set. Tiffany is sitting there by herself, when Margie walks onto the set and sits down.] Margie: Tiffany, I think I may have found a solution to the show's budget crisis! Tiffany: What's your idea, Margie? Margie: We just need to head on out to the river that runs behind the studio. Tiffany: The... the river? Margie: Well, of course, Tiffany! The river has banks down there! Tiffany: Margie... WHY would you think you can get any money from the river? Margie: You get money from banks, don't you? Tiffany: Margie, be serious... you don't get money from river banks. All that's in the river is water. [Tiffany gets watered. Margie chuckles.] Margie: Gotcha! [She runs off the set as Tiffany glares at Margie... and then, we hear Ross off camera.] Ross: Um, Tiffany... that's going to cost you ten dollars. [Tiffany look even less happy. Cut: The dungeon set. Jeff is chained to the wall and in walks Nasti.] Nasti: Oh, Jeff... I have some big news to tell you about. Jeff: What... you're going to let me go? Freedom! Blue skies, Barth burgers, girls... Nasti: No, no... we are not going to let you free. Jeff: [groaning] Oh... well, what is the big news? Nasti: Well, you see, we were having trouble balancing our budget and our cash balance is running in the red, so we have to make some changes... so from now on, we are going to have to charge you rent to stay in the dungeon. Jeff: Well, I don't have any money to... wait a minute, if I have no money, you have to let me go, right? Nasti: No money? Oh, this is not good... since you are not able to pay the rent, we will have to take you to the torture chamber as a penalty for a late payment. [He begins to unchain Ryan.] Jeff: No... let me go! [Cut: Barth's Burgery. Emily and Ryan are seated opposite each other, Emily reviewing a menu and Ryan with a burger in front of him that he doesn't want to eat.] Emily: Goodness, Barth... you raised your prices? Barth: Well... Emily, I'm very sorry about having to do that, but there was a problem. Emily: What happened? Barth: Well, it was my accountant's fault... he did a terrible job balancing my budget and I ended up operating in the red... but don't worry... I got rid of that accountant and will be doing my own finances from now on. Emily: Gosh, I kind of feel sorry for Barth. Ryan: I feel even more sorry for the accountant. Emily: Why would you feel sorry for that accountant? Ryan: [pointing to his burger] Who do you think is in the burgers? Barth: Dah, I heard that! [Cut: The link set, where we find Tiffany, Emily, Ryan, Jeff and Margie all talking amongst themselves. Ross then walks onto the set.] Ross: All right, kids, calm down... I just wanted to tell everyone that we finally got our budget balanced. Tiffany: Thank goodness for that. Ross: Well, there's some bad news. You see, in order to balance the budget, we had to make some cuts... so, you will not be getting paid for doing the episode. [The kids groan.] Ross: And I had to make some sacrifices as well... for this episode, I am only getting paid $10. Jeff: Well, gosh, Ross... what are you going to do with just $10 from an episode. Ross: Honestly, Jeff, I don't know. [Ross gets slimed. The kids all laugh.] Tiffany: Ross, it looks like you know what to spend that money on now. [Ross looks disgruntled. Closing credits roll.] Announcer: You Can't Do That On Television has been a You Can Bank On This Show Production. [Cut to the announcer.] Announcer: Bank on this show... the only thing you can bank on this show is it being a waste of time... why, I'm just lucky they didn't cut my paycheck and... what? [Pause] My paycheck is... severance pay? [The announcer looks surprised. Cut: Backstage at the studio, where we find Tiffany and Emily chatting by the coffee pot. At that point, an older man, with graying hair, spectacles, dressed in a three-piece suit, approaches the two girls.] Tiffany: Sir, can we help you? Man: Well, young lady, my name is Isaac Oliver Urioste, and I am the show's accountant. I'm trying to locate the producer. Emily: Well, he just left for the day, sir. IOU: Oh, I see... well, if you happen to see the producer, please tell him that his method of balancing the show's budget is one that I do not believe is entirely workable. Tiffany: What did he want to do? IOU: Well, how do I put this... let's just say... that it's not a good idea to budget anticipated income from Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes entries. [Clears his throat] Anyway, good day. [The accountant leaves as Tiffany and Emily both share a giggle.] Emily: The producer believes people actually win those things? Tiffany: I can't... wait a minute. If that money doesn't come in... Emily: Oh no... don't tell me we won't get paid for the next show either. [Both girls groan. Fade to black.] END
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