An original YCDTOTV script written by Will Dyess
Copyright 1999, Will Dyess

PRE-EMPT
Announcer:
"Pee Wee Herman is killed by an annoyed parent" will not be seen tonight, so we can bring you this deadly program.

CUT TO: BARTH'S. Barth hands out some hot dogs to the kids.

Barth:
I want each of you to have the newest item on the menu: Barth Weiners! Each kid takes a bite of their Barth Weiner.

Adam:
Wow! These actually taste good!

Doug:
Yeah!

Lisa:
Barth, you really out did yourself!

Christine:
Yeah, these are really good! What's in 'em?

Barth:
Well, I put some spices , half a pound of pork and 1 pound of pink rubber. All the kids start to choke, and then die from choking.

CUT TO: Main Title sequence.

CUT TO: Lisa, Adam, "Mom", and senator Prevert are having dinner.

Senator Prevert:
So how was school?

Adam:
Fine.

Lisa:
Well, not me! In History, my teacher was trying to tell about these old guys that I will never need to know about, and then while I was passing a note to this really cute guy, and my teacher caught me, and ... (Lisa's voice speeds up) ... he called on me to answer a question, and I said the wrong answer, and-

Mom:
And?

Lisa drops dead.

Mom:
What happened?

Adam:
She died from talking to much.

Senator Prevert & Mom:
oooooooohhhhhhhhh.

CUT TO: THE LINK SET.

Christine:
Hi. Today, we are going to talk about some that happens to all of us-death.

Alasdair:
Do you believe in the re-incarnation of life after death, Moose?

Christine:
I don't know. I always-

Christine is slimed.

Ross walks on to the link set.

Ross:
Did you just get slimed, Christine?

Christine:
Yeah, so what? That happens nearly every week!

Ross:
Oh, No!!!!!

Doug:
"Oh no" what?

Ross:
You see, it was announced that after the first sliming today, all slime dropped on anyone will cause that person to drop dead!

Doug:
Well, I don't know about you guys,but I ...

Doug is slimed, and he drops dead.

Alasdair:
Oh, man! This slime of death just killed Doug!

CUT TO: THE FIRING SQUAD: Lisa is at the post.

Lisa:
Do they really know how to use their guns?

El Capitano:
Of course they do.

Lisa:
Have they ever killed anyone before?

El Capitano:
Yes, they have. I remember one morning, it was so cold, that we had to build a campfire ... (El Capitano is shot).

CUT TO: BARTH'S. Adam comes into a booth. Barth comes to his booth.

Barth:
What do you want to eat, Adam?

Adam:
A Barth burger and fries. Say, Barth?

Barth:
Yeah?

Adam:
Has your food ever caused any deaths?

Barth:
OF COURSE NOT!

Christine joins Adam.

Christine:
Hi, Adam.

Adam:
Hi, Moose. Listen, have you heard any rumors about Barth's food killed some people?

Christine:
Oh, yeah. I heard just a few weeks ago that some people were poisoned by Barth fries.

Barth:
I heard that!

CUT TO: THE LINK SET.

Alasdair:
Guys, it looks like we're really gotta watch that we don't say the magic words, ok? Adam walks in.

Adam:
What magic words?

Christine:
"I don't know"

Christine is slimed, and she drops dead.

Ross:
Look's like the killer slime knocked off another one.

Alasdair:
Yeah. To bad. Right everyone?

All except Lisa:
Right.

Ross:
Hey, Lisa, how come you're not talking?

Adam:
Yeah, that's not normal!

Alasdair:
Wait a minute! this must be the-

All:
Introduction to the opposites.

CUT TO: The Gym locker room.

Coach:
Now guys, today is the biggest game of the year, so I WANT YOU TO LOSE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER LOST BEFORE!!!

All:
YEAH!!!!!!!!

Coach:
Good! I want you to play like a bunch of sissies!

All:
Yeah!

Coach:
I want you to fumble more times than you ever have in all your lives!!

All:
YEAH!!

Coach:
I want the final score to be -18 to 450000000!

All:
YEAH!!!!!

CUT TO: THE CLASSROOM.

Teacher:
Now today, we're going to continue with were we left off- HOW TO EAT SWEETS!

Class:
Awwww, man!

Teacher:
Yup, we're going to have fun, fun, fun today with chocolate swirl Ice Cream!

Class:
Awww, man!

Alasdair:
I wish we were still doing long division!

CUT TO: A SHOWER.

Lisa is taking a shower. Suddenly, a shadow appears on the curtain. Soon, the person with the shadow starts stabbing Lisa.

Lisa:
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! This means the opposites must be over!!!!AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH

CUT TO: THE LINK SET.

Alasdair:
Ross, what's causing this deadly slime?

Ross:
I don't know, AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Ross is slimed, and he drops dead.

Alasdair:
Man, now Ross is dead!

Adam:
Ross is dead?!

All:
YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Adam:
We're free!!

Adam is red slimed, and he drops dead.

Alasdair& Lisa:
Oh, No!

CUT TO: THE FIRING SQUAD. Alasdair is at the post.

El Capitano:
Ready....... Aim......

Alasdair:
Wait a minute! Stop the execution!!

El Capitano:
What?

Alasdair:
If they kill me, do you think I'll come back to haunt you?

El Capitano:
I don't know.

El Capitano is slimed and drops dead.

CUT TO: The Link set.

Alasdair:
Well, Lisa, it's just you and me know. Everyone else is dead now.

Lisa:
I know. So, I'm just gonna say it:

Alasdair:
Don't!

Lisa:
I don't know.

She is slimed, and drops dead.

Alasdair:
Well, we'll be back next week, I guess.

Credits roll.

Announcer:
You Can't Do That On Television has been a deadly production.

END