An original YCDTOTV script written by Diane M. Napolitano
Copyright 1998, Diane M. Napolitano

SCHOOL BUS
ALL OF THE KIDS ARE SITTING ON THE BUS. THE BUS HITS A CURB. KIDS AND STUFF SPILL INTO THE AISLE. A BROWN PAPER BAG SLIDES UP TO THE FRONT NEXT TO SNAKE EYES.

SNAKE EYES (HOLDING UP BAG)
Who's lunch?

ALASDAIR WALKS DOWN THE AISLE.

ALASDAIR
Oh, that's mine.

ADAM GRABS THE BAG BEFORE ALASDAIR CAN GET IT.

ALASDAIR
Hey! Give that back!

ADAM LAUGHS AND PASSES IT TO A KID BEHIND HIM. KIDS ARE THROWING ALASDAIR'S LUNCH ALL AROUND THE BUS. LISA ENDS UP WITH IT.

ALASDAIR
Lisa! (WALKS BACK TO LISA) Can I have my lunch back? Please?

LISA FAKES GIVING AL HIS LUNCH.

LISA
Whatcha got in here?

ALASDAIR
I... you know! It's just your average lunch.

LISA OPENS THE BAG.

LISA
Tell me what's in here or you won't get it back.

ALASDAIR
Ok. There's an apple...

LISA
Uh-huh...

ALASDAIR
...a can of soda, a slice of cheese, and... a skunk sandwich.

LISA LOOKS AT ALASDAIR WITH A DISGUSTING FACE.

LISA
A skunk sandwich?

ALASDAIR
Oh yeah. It's really good! Thinly-sliced skunk meat with mayonnaise, lettuce, tomato, and maybe even some squirrel.

FEELING SICK, LISA GIVES ALASDAIR BACK HIS LUNCH.
ALASDAIR SITS DOWN IN THE SEAT ACROSS FROM HER AND OPENS THE BAG.

ALASDAIR
Thanks!

ALASDAIR BEGINS EATING THE SANDWICH.

LINK SET
CHRISTINE AND ALASDAIR ARE STANDING THERE AS USUAL.

CHRISTINE
Hi! Welcome to another tasteless episode of You Can't Do That on Television.

ALASDAIR
Today's show is about food. Something most of our cast and crew CAN'T seem to get enough of.

CHRISTINE STARTS TALKING, BUT IS INTERRUPTED MID-SENTENCE BY LOUD CHEWING NEARBY. CHRISTINE AND ALASDAIR LOOK AROUND, AND FINALLY TURN AROUND TO SEE LISA SITTING BEHIND THEM AMID A HUGE PILE OF JUNK FOOD. THEY WALK BACK TOWARDS HER.

CHRISTINE
Lisa, what are you doing?

LISA (WITH A MOUTH FULL OF FOOD)
What does it look like I'm doing?

ALASDAIR
Yeah, but we're trying to do a show here!

CHRISTINE
Come on, Lisa, you know all that stuff's bad for you anyway. Look at this! Popcorn, Twinkies, Cheese Doodles! You'll have gained a thousand pounds even before Thanksgiving gets here.

ALASDAIR
She'll be so fat, we'll have to cook her instead of the turkey!

ALASDAIR AND CHRISTINE LAUGH.

LISA
Har-har. (SHE GRABS THE POPCORN BAG AND OFFERS SOME TO AL AND CHRISTINE.)

ALASDAIR
Well, don't mind if I do. (TAKES SOME)

CHRISTINE SMACKS HER HEAD.
BARTH'S
VANESSA SLIDES INTO A BOOTH.

BARTH
What'll it be, Vanessa?

VANESSA (MOANS)
Just the usual.

DOUG SLIDES IN BESIDE HER.

DOUG
Hey Vanessa, I just came from biology class. You wanna know what vampire bats eat?

VANESSA
Oh, please, spare me. I think I'm going to be sick.

BARTH SLIDES A PLATE IN FRONT OF VANESSA.

DOUG
Too late.

VANESSA
Barth, what is this?

BARTH
Well, I know how you kids are always trying to watch your figure now a days, so I fixed you up a special Barth's Salad.

VANESSA
But I don't want a Barth's Salad! I just want some real food!

DOUG
You've come to the wrong place for that, Vanessa.

VANESSA PUSHES DOUG OUT OF THE BOOTH.
FIRING SQUAD
ALASDAIR IS AT THE POST.

CAPITANO
Ready... aim...

ALASDAIR
Wait a second!

CAPITANO
What NOW!?

ALASDAIR
Do you think I could get some food first? I'm starving.

CAPITANO
No! Silly boy, you're about to die! Ready... aim...

ALASDAIR
Wait! Stop the execution!

CAPITANO TURNS TO ALASDAIR.

ALASDAIR
Um... please?

CAPITANO WALKS OFF THE SET AND COMES BACK WITH A CARTON OF FRENCH FRIES.
IN THE MEANTIME, AL HAS RUN OFF STAGE.

LINK SET
LISA IS STILL SITTING THERE WITH THE SAME PILE OF JUNK FOOD AS BEFORE. CHRISTINE AND VANESSA ARE WALKING BY AND STOP.

CHRISTINE
Lisa Ruddy, I can't believe you.

LISA
Why?

CHRISTINE
You know all that stuff will do is make you fat!

VANESSA
Yeah! Shame on you! For not sharing.

VANESSA GRABS A TWINKIE.

LISA
Sorry, Vanessa, I didn't know you wanted any.

LISA IS SLIMED. UNFORTUNATELY SO IS HER FOOD. CHRISTINE AND VANESSA WALK OFF LAUGHING.
DETENTION
DOUG IS SITTING IN A DESK, MINDING HIS OWN BUSINESS.

PRINCIPAL
What are you doing?

DOUG
Uh... nothing? PRINCIPAL
Exactly!

THE PRINCIPAL SLAMS A DICTIONARY ON DOUG'S DESK.

DOUG
Hey!

PRINCIPAL
You are to go through this entire dictionary and write down all the different types of food in here! And don't miss a single one!

DOUG
How would you know if I did?

PRINCIPAL (CACKLES)
Oh, I will.

DOUG BEGINS HIS ASSIGNMENT. THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR AND THE PRINCIPAL ANSWERS IT.

PRINCIPAL
Yes?

A PIZZA DELIVERY DUDE STANDS THERE WITH A PIZZA.

PIZZA DUDE
Pizza delivery.

PRINCIPAL
But I didn't order a pizza.

THE PIZZA DUDE TAPS HIS FOOT IMPATIENTLY.

PRINCIPAL
Oh... oh...

HE TURNS TO DOUG.

Did YOU order a pizza?

DOUG
I can't live on fingernails alone.

THE PRINCIPAL SLAMS THE DOOR IN THE PIZZA DUDE'S FACE.

PRINCIPAL
Alright! That's it! You're copying the whole dictionary now!

DOUG
No I'm not.

PRINCIPAL
Oh yeah?

DOUG
Yeah!

DOUG RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM AND AFTER THE PIZZA DUDE.

LINK SET
LISA IS STILL SITTING ON STAGE, COVERED IN SLIME, WITH THE JUNK FOOD, ALSO COVERED IN SLIME. ADAM WALKS IN, STOPS OVER BY LISA, AND GRABS A SLIME-COVERED POTATO CHIP. HE STUFFS IT IN HIS MOUTH AND WALKS AWAY.

LISA
Oh, gross. (LOOKS AROUND) Can somebody get me a towel!?

LIVING ROOM
VANESSA WALKS IN CARRYING SOMETHING. SHE LOOKS DEPRESSED.

MOM
What's wrong, Vanessa?

VANESSA
Look. (PULLS A SHEET OFF THE OBJECT SHE WAS CARRYING) I burnt my pie for home ec class.

MOM
Oh, that's too bad.

VANESSA
Yeah. I should know. I'm the one who got the D!

DAD WALKS IN.

DAD
Honey, I'm home! (SNIFFS THE AIR) Mmm...you made pie?

VANESSA
Hope you don't mind it burnt.

DAD
Of course not!

DAD TAKES THE PIE AND WALKS OFF WITH IT.

LINK SET
LISA IS ALL CLEAN NOW. SHE'S SITTING IN A PILE OF HEALTHY FOOD, SUCH AS CARROT STICKS AND CELERY. CHRISTINE WALKS IN.

CHRISTINE
Lisa! Why the change of heart?

LISA
Well, Moose, you were right. All that junk food wasn't good for me. So from now on, I'm sticking to carrot sticks and broccoli!

CHRISTINE
Is this the beginning of the opposite sketches?

LISA
You bet!

CHRISTINE
Oh, boy.

INTRO-OPPOSITE SKETCHES
FIRING SQUAD
ALASDAIR IS AT THE POST

CAPITANO
Well, Alasdair, we've decided to try a new approach to killing you.

ALASDAIR
Oh, no! Anything but that! I think.

CAPITANO (LAUGHS)
The amigos and I have decided to let you eat as best you can and let you live a long, healthy life!

ALASDAIR
Come on now! What have I done to deserve this? This is cruel! This is unfair! This is... this may even be illegal. (BEGINS TO CRY)

CAPITANO UNTIES AL.

CAPITANO
Go on! Go get yourself a nice drink of water.

CAPITANO GETS WATER THROWN AT HIM.

ALASDAIR STOPS CRYING AND RUNS OFF STAGE. THE CAPITANO TRIES TO SHAKE OFF THE WATER AS THE OPPOSITES END.

CAPITANO
Hey, get back here! I haven't yelled fire yet!

CAPITANO IS SHOT DOWN.
LOCKER JOKES

DOUG
Hey, Vanessa.

VANESSA
Yes, Doug?

DOUG
If milk comes from cows, and cows... no, no wait. If milk is in cheese, and Swiss cheese... no wait, I know this one. If...

VANESSA
Forget it, Doug, it's not working.

DOUG
No wait a second! If... if spiders eat bugs, then... um...

ADAM WALKS OVER TO THEM.

ADAM
Doug struggling to tell a joke again?

DOUG
What do you mean, again?!

VANESSA
You know he is.

ADAM
If a cow says moo, and a pig says oink, then what does Moose say?

DOUG AND VANESSA
I don't know.

THEY BOTH GET SLIMED.

ADAM LAUGHS AND WALKS OFF THE SET.

VANESSA
Oh, we'll get him.

DOUG
Yeah, he'll never be able to figure out my award-winning joke!

VANESSA
Doug, I don't think YOU can figure out your award-winning joke.

VANESSA WALKS OFF STAGE.

DOUG
Wait! If a pig... no, no. If cheese has holes... no, that's not it. I know this! I swear!

DOUG IS STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HIS JOKE AS THE SKETCH ENDS.

LINK SET
ALASDAIR AND CHRISTINE ARE SITTING THERE TALKING. LISA GETS ROLLED ON STAGE BY ADAM AND DOUG. ALASDAIR FALLS TO THE FLOOR LAUGHING.

CHRISTINE
Alasdair!

CHRISTINE STANDS UP.

CHRISTINE
What... oh, I don't even want to know.

CHRISTINE GETS SLIMED.

DOUG
You guys, help us get Lisa to the doctor's office quick! She ate too much!

ALASDAIR'S CALM NOW. HE STANDS UP.

ALASDAIR
That's obvious.

VANESSA WALKS IN.

VANESSA
Hey guys... oh, my!

ADAM
Don't ask.

ALASDAIR JUMPS ALONG SIDE OF ADAM AND HELPS PUSH LISA TO THE DOCTOR'S.
DOCTOR'S OFFICE

DOCTOR
Well. I have some bad news, boys.

ADAM
Give it to us straight, doc.

ALASDAIR
Yeah, we can take it.

DOCTOR
Well it appears that your friend has overeaten.

DOUG
We know that!

ALASDAIR
But what should we do about it?

THE DOCTOR THINKS, AND THINKS, AND THINKS SOME MORE.

DOCTOR
How should I know? I'm just a doctor.

THE BOYS CLEARLY TO NOT APPROVE.

DOCTOR
Three-hundred thirty-eight dollars. Plus tax.

LINK SET
THE BOYS ROLL LISA BACK ONTO THE SET. CHRISTINE IS CLEAN NOW.

CHRISTINE
Well?

DOUG
The doctor said Lisa overate.

VANESSA
But we know that already.

CHRISTINE
See? I knew this would happen! I told her all that junk food would make her fat, but did she listen? No! No one NEVER listens to Moose! And I was right all along.

CHRISTINE IS STILL TALKING. ADAM PUSHES HER ONTO THE SEAT.

ADAM
Yeah, yeah.

ADAM AND DOUG HAVE LET GO OF LISA. ALASDAIR IS LEANING AGAINST HER, THINKING, WHEN SUDDENLY LISA ROLLS OVER ALASDAIR. EVERYONE RUNS OVER TO THE FLATTENED ALASDAIR, AND THEY WATCH AS LISA ROLLS OUT OF CONTROL AND RUINS MOST OF THE SET AND CREW. THE KIDS SCRAMBLE TO GET LISA AND ROLL HER BACK ONTO THE STAGE. ALASDAIR IS OK NOW. HE'S SITTING DOWN NEXT TO CHRISTINE.

DOUG
Oh man. What are we going to do?

VANESSA
The set is totaled.

ALASDAIR
I've got it!

ALASDAIR JUMPS UP AND GRABS A HAIRPIN OUT OF LISA'S HAIR. HE POPS HER, AND AS EXPECTED, LISA DEFLATES LIKE A BALLOON. (SPECIAL EFFECTS) LISA IS SITTING, IN NORMAL SIZE, OFF ONE SIDE OF THE SET. THE KIDS RUN OVER TO HER.

ADAM
You ok, Lisa?

LISA
I think so. Did I overeat?

CHRISTINE
Yes you did! See, now I told you that would happen! I told you all that junk food would make you fat, but did you listen to me? No!

ALL EXCEPT CHRISTINE
Can it, Moose!

ROSS WALKS OVER TO THEM.

ROSS
What is going on here?

ALL EXCEPT ROSS
Nothing

WHILE THE CAST AND ROSS ARGUE ABOUT THE DAMAGE FAT LISA CAUSED, CHRISTINE TURNS TO THE CAMERA.

CHRISTINE
Well, that's it for this episode of You Can't Do That on Television. See you next time.

ROLL CREDITS
PRODUCTION CREDIT
THE YOU CAN'T DO THAT ON TELEVISION LOGO SUPER IMPOSED OVER THE BACKDROP OF THE LINK SET.

ANNOUNCER (OVER)
You Can't Do That on Television is available at supermarkets everywhere and is a part of this balanced breakfast.

ANNOUNCER'S BOOTH
ANNOUNCER
Let's face it. I can't cook! I'm better off getting a job in a soup kitchen cooking things I find by the side of the road. Yeah... and then I can serve that soup to the producer and this bratty cast... wait..... Is the producer watching?! Oh, it figures! THE KIDS AND ROSS ARE STILL ARGUING AS THE REST OF THE CREDITS GO BY. WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY SAID, BUT ROSS GETS WATERED. THE KIDS WALK AWAY LAUGHING.