An original YCDTOTV script written by Marc Dalesandro
Copyright 2003, Marc Dalesandro

CAST: Anne Jacob Benny Tim Tasha Nicole

WITH: Ross Ewich Barth Senator Prevert Snake Eyes El Capitano

The Principal Valerie Prevert The Librarian Mr. Shidler

SPECIAL GUEST: Adam Reid

Pre-Empted Show – A graphic of a computer with smoke coming out of the disk drive. Its monitor screen is cracked .

ANNOUNCER: “The Wonderful World of the Web will not be seen at this time, because the network computer has been hacked, smurfed, spammed, infected with a virus, and has worms. In its place we present the following broken link.”

Barth’s. BENNY, a redheaded boy of about ten, sits with TASHA, a black girl of about twelve. Barth burgers lie untouched on plates in front of them.

BENNY: “You know, Tasha, I read on the web that Barth’s food can kill you.”

[BARTH appears suddenly from behind the counter.]

BARTH: “D’ah, I heard that!”

TASHA: “Is it true?”

BARTH: “You guys should know better than to believe silly rumors from the Internet. They have been spreading lies about me for years. In fact, just the other day someone claimed I had rats in my kitchen!

BENNY: “Oh, gross! You don’t really have rats, do you?”

BARTH: “Are you kidding? I can assure you there are no rats whatsoever in my kitchen.”

BENNY [relieved]: “Well, that’s good!” [Picks up burger and bites it].

TASHA: “Not really, Benny. There’s a reason there are no rats at Barth’s.”

BENNY: “Why?”

TASHA: “What do you think’s IN THE BURGERS?”

[BENNY pulls long, tail-like object from his burger]

BENNY: “Ohhhh, gross!”

BENNY and TASHA are violently ill as BARTH looks on.

BARTH: “D’ah, I heard that.” [Gets bucket].

Link Set. ANNE, a blonde girl of about fourteen, is standing with JACOB, a brown-haired boy of about the same age.

ANNE: “So what are you smiling about, Jacob?”

JACOB: “Hi, Anne. I just saw Ross bringing the computer in for today’s show. I can’t wait to use it.”

ANNE: “Oh, really? Why’s that?”

JACOB: “Are you kidding? I’m going to play a little Doom, check out my favorite chat rooms, download some music…it’s going to be great.”

ANNE: “Jacob, don’t hold your breath. The producer always gets first dibs on new equipment.”

JACOB: “So? I can wait my turn.”

ANNE: “I don’t think you understand…”

[ROSS EWAGE walks onto the set, talking to someone off-screen.]

ROSS: “Yeah, don’t worry, Mr. Producer. It’s a common mistake to jam the floppy disk into the CD drive. [He turns to ANNE and JACOB] Sorry, kids, looks like our computer is down for…maintenance.”

JACOB: “Oh, no. How long is it going to take to fix, Ross?”

ROSS: “I don’t know…”

[ROSS is SLIMED]

ANNE: “Gee, Ross, I guess you don’t need a computer to successfully DOWNLOAD after all!”

[ANNE and JACOB laugh, then exit left.]

ROSS [Shaking fist after them]: “You kids! I’m gonna [mumbles in frustration]!!!!”

[Opening Sequence of Animation and Theme Music]

Link Set. Close-up of ANNE as she faces the camera.

ANNE: “Hi, and welcome to another episode of You Can’t Do That On Television. Today’s show is about the Internet, and I think it’s going to be a fun show because—”

[TASHA and NICOLE, a brunette of about fourteen, enter, snickering and pointing at ANNE.]

ANNE: “Wait a minute. Why are you two pointing at me like that?”

NICOLE: “Haven’t you heard the latest gossip about you on the Internet?”

TASHA: “Yeah, it’s really juicy!”

ANNE: “Now hold on! What are they saying about me?”

NICOLE: “We can’t repeat it now. [Gestures toward camera] You’ll have to log on for yourself.”

ANNE: “No fair! The producer broke the computer. But I can assure you, Internet rumors about me hold no water whatso…”

[ANNE is watered.]

NICOLE: “See, Tasha? The people on the Internet were right. They said Annie was all washed up as host of this show.”

[NICOLE and TASHA laugh as ANNE looks daggers at them both.]

Detention Room. BENNY is seated at a desk, a huge book in front of him. TIM, a tall, dark-haired boy of about sixteen, is chained to the wall in the back. The PRINCIPAL stands near Benny.

PRINCIPAL: “Benjamin, for your detention [Opens book] I want you to copy pages three hundred forty-two to six thousand seven hundred and one, in triplicate.”

BENNY: “But sir, it’s not fair! What did I do?”

PRINCIPAL: “You are in detention because you downloaded homework off the Internet and passed it in as your own.”

BENNY: [Looks ashamed] “But how did you find out?”

PRINCIPAL: “How did I find out? You used a school computer to download the homework.”

BENNY: “So?”

PRINCIPAL: “Isn’t it obvious, boy? The computer tattled on you!”

[Camera pans over to show computer sitting on the desk next to Benny.]

COMPUTER: “Nyah nyah nyah nyah-nyaaah!”

School Bus. NICOLE and ANNE are seated together.

NICOLE: “Did you know that Snake-Eyes has his bus hooked up to the Internet?”

ANNE: “No way! How?”

NICOLE: “He’s got a little camera up there, so that people all over the world can log on to a website and see into the bus.”

ANNE: “That’s great! With all those people watching, he’ll have to drive safely on the way to and from school, right?”

NICOLE: “Not really. The website is www.DISASTER.com!”

[Camera pans up to show SNAKE-EYES driving bus.]

SNAKE-EYES: [Grinning and waving at the camera] “Hi, mom!!!”

[Bus crashes through wall of cinder blocks and tree branches. Kids scream and are thrown around violently.]

Link Set. JACOB is reading a magazine. ROSS enters.

ROSS: “Jacob? What are you doing sitting around here? I thought you wanted to log onto the Internet.”

JACOB: “Yeah, Ross, I did. But the computer is broken, remember?”

ROSS: “Not anymore. The producer fixed it.”

JACOB: “What?”

ROSS: “Yeah! It’s fixed. And what’s more, he told me that you are free to use it whenever you want, for as long as you want.”

JACOB: “Wait a minute, Ross. If the producer fixed the computer…”

ROSS: “Yes…?”

JACOB: “And he doesn’t even want to hog it for himself…”

ROSS: “Mmm-hmm…?”

JACOB: “Then this HAS to be…”

ROSS and JACOB: “The introduction to the opposites!”

JACOB: “Out of my way!” [Runs off screen to use computer before opposites end].

Screen flips – opposite sketches begin.

Mr. SHIDLER’s classroom. All six kids are seated quietly at their desks, behaving superbly.

MR. SHIDLER: “Now, class, today we are going to be logging on to the Internet.”

TIM [Raises hand]: “Will we be learning HTML code?”

NICOLE: “Or reading about the history of the world wide web?”

MR. SHIDLER: “No! Of course not! You’re going to be studying how to download music for free and hack into X-rated websites.”

TASHA: “But sir! Can’t we make up a business plan for an Internet company?”

MR. SHIDLER: “Absolutely not. But there will be a quiz on chat-room navigation. Now let’s get to that computer lab.”

BENNY: “I don’t want to.”

Mr. SHIDLER: “Listen young man…all of you! Either we go to that computer lab, or I wheel a Playstation 2 in here right now, and we play Grand Theft Auto all day!”

ANNE: “No! Anything but that!”

[KIDS all get up and run to computer lab].

Library. LIBRARIAN is snoozing behind her desk. NICOLE approaches.

NICOLE: “Excuse me?”

LIBRARIAN [Waking with a start]: “Tally-ho! [Sees Nicole] Can I help you, young lady?”

NICOLE: “I was wondering if you have a computer with a really bad Internet connection.”

LIBRARIAN: “No, I’m sorry, but all of our machines are top-of-the-line models. Very fast.”

NICOLE: “I was hoping you had one that crashed a lot. And made that wonderful modem connecting noise.”

LIBRARIAN: “Heavens no. Our computers are very reliable and have quiet cable modems.”

NICOLE: “But I wanted to download half a file and then get disconnected!”

LIBRARIAN: “Young lady, we will have none of that here!”

NICOLE: “Maybe you have an old computer out back?”

LIBRARIAN: “Certainly not!”

NICOLE: “Please?”

[LIBRARIAN shakes head].

Prevert living room. LANCE is talking to VALERIE.

LANCE: “Yeah, so the man at the store told me I could save a bundle by buying a computer that’s a few years old.”

VALERIE: “Oh, dear. Will it be as good as a new one?”

LANCE: “Are you kidding? He said the machines from five years ago are just as powerful and fast as anything built today. The older computers can run all the newest software, and they can surf the web quickly and easily.”

VALERIE: “Lance, you’re a genius!”

LANCE: “I know!!”

Screen flips. Opposites end.

Link Set. ROSS has JACOB by the shirt collar, hauling him back onto the set.

ROSS: “Come on, you! The opposites is over. [To someone off screen] That’s right, Mr. Producer. Take all the time you need. These kids is gonna be way too busy to think about using that computer.”

JACOB: “This isn’t fair!”

Prevert living room. Senator LANCE PREVERT is sitting in his favorite chair, eating popcorn. TIM and JACOB are sitting on the floor, watching TV.

TIM: “Wow, Jacob. Ever since your mother found all those recipes on that Internet website, she’s been cooking big meals every day.”

JACOB: “Yeah. Too bad the website was www.BARTHS.com!”

[VALERIE PREVERT enters with huge plate of Barth Burgers].

VALERIE: “Dinner is served!”

JACOB: “Could I get fries with that, mom?”

LANCE: “Jacob! Don’t encourage your mother!!”

Locker room. Locker jokes begin.

TASHA: “Hey, Anne!”

ANNE: “Yes, Tasha?”

TASHA: “My Internet connection is really slow.”

ANNE: “Oh, really? How slow is it?”

TASHA: “It’s so slow, my Instant Messages take three minutes!”

[ANNE grimaces].

BENNY: “Hey, Anne!”

ANNE: “Yes, Benny?”

BENNY: “You think that’s slow? My Internet connection is so slow, my Hotmail is only luke-warm!”

[ANNE winces].

JACOB: “Hey, Anne!”

ANNE: “Yes, Jacob?”

JACOB: “That’s nothing. My connection is so slow, I can’t use the information superhighway. I have to use a dirt road!”

[ANNE shakes head].

TIM: “Hey, Anne!”

ANNE: “Yes, Tim?”

TIM: “Wait ‘til you hear this. My Internet connection is so slow, the little America Online man keeps falling asleep!”

[ANNE rolls eyes].

NICOLE: “Oh, Annie!”

ANNE [Wearily]: “Yes, Nicole?”

NICOLE: “Their Internet connections are fast compared to mine. My connection is so slow, by the time I finish downloading an Elvis song, it tells me he’s already left the building!”

[ANNE shakes her head again and then closes her locker].

Link set. JACOB, TASHA, BENNY, and TIM are seated. ROSS enters, with special guest ADAM REID. ANNE and NICOLE are both talking to ADAM, trying to impress him.

ROSS: [to Anne and Nicole] “Would you two be quiet for a minute? If that’s possible! [to the others] Look who we have here! It’s Adam Reid, from the old episodes.”

TIM: [to ADAM] “How are ya doing?”

TASHA & BENNY: [to ADAM] “Hi!”

JACOB: [to ADAM] “Hey.”

ADAM: “Hi, guys.”

ROSS: “Adam’s here to host our first ever live webcast of You Can’t Do That On Television.”

ANNE: “Isn’t it great? Wow, I’m a big fan of yours, Adam!”

NICOLE: “Can I get your autograph?”

JACOB: “Whoa. Wait a minute, Ross. Live webcast?”

ROSS: “Yeah. The producer is so impressed by the Internet, he’s having the last link segment broadcast over the web. It’s happening in just a few minutes.”

TIM: “What do we have to do?”

ADAM: “Just relax and be yourself.”

TIM: “Be myself? I don’t know how to do that.”

[TIM is slimed].

ROSS: “That’s being himself all right.”

ADAM: “Nice work. Next time wait for the webcast to start, though.”

[TIM scrapes green slime from his eyes].

Firing squad set. EL CAPITANO stands next to BENNY, who is up against the post.

EL CAPITANO: “Ready…aim…”

BENNY: “Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Stop the execution!!”

EL CAPITANO: “What is it this time?”

BENNY: “Why am I being shot?”

EL CAPITANO: “You are being shot because you surfed the web on El Presidente’s computer and infected it with a virus!”

BENNY: “But it wasn’t my fault! How was I supposed to stop that virus?”

EL CAPITANO: [Moves in front of Benny] “Hear that, Amigos?”

[AMIGOS laughing off-camera].

EL CAPITANO: “He doesn’t know how to stop computer viruses!”

[AMIGOS laugh more].

BENNY: [From behind EL CAPITANO] “Do YOU?”

EL CAPITANO: “Of course I do. It’s simple, isn’t it Amigos?”

AMIGOS [Off-camera]: “Si!”

EL CAPITANO: “To stop viruses, you install a FIREwall!”

[AMIGOS fire. EL CAPITANO jerks, then throws up his sword and falls].

EL CAPITANO: “Ooohhh…”

BENNY: “Thanks for the tip.”

EL CAPITANO [Weakly]: “Don’t mention it…”

Link set. Special web-camera has been set up. ROSS stands near the camera. On the set, ADAM is dressed in a gaudy suit with all six KIDS surrounding him. ADAM holds a microphone.

ADAM: “Welcome everyone, to our first ever webcast of You Can’t Do That On Television.”

[KIDS all wave and smile].

ADAM: “Umm…[looks around uncertainly].”

NICOLE: “What’s wrong, Adam?”

ADAM [Speaking out of the corner of his mouth while still trying to smile for the camera]: “We have no script and no cue cards. The producer went ahead with this before we could write anything to say!”

[NICOLE looks mischievous].

NICOLE: “Oh really? [Steps in front of ADAM] And now, ladies and gentlemen, the star of our show, Anne, will say a few words!”

ANNE: “What?!”

[JACOB, TIM, BENNY, and TASHA giggle at ANNE’s misfortune. ADAM continues to smile nervously.]

ADAM [Still speaking out of the corner of his mouth]: “Anne? Get over here!”

[ANNE steps in front of ADAM].

ANNE: “Umm, hey everyone out there. I’d just like to say that the REAL star of this show is my dear friend, Nicole.”

NICOLE: “Now, Annie…don’t be silly.”

ANNE: “No, it’s true. YOU DON’T KNOW how important you are around here!”

[NICOLE is slimed a LOT].

NICOLE: “Oh, that is SO not fair!”

ROSS: “And…CUT! Beautiful!”

ADAM: “I’m out of here!” [Drops microphone and leaves].

ANNE: “Green is your color, Nicole.”

[NICOLE glares at ANNE as the other KIDS laugh].

End credits roll.

ANNOUNCER: “You Can’t Do That On Television has been a Hooray for Spam production.”

[Pause].

ANNOUNCER [To someone off-screen]: “You know, Paul, this show reminds me of Spam. No one knows where it comes from, no one wants it, and everyone hopes it gets deleted soon! I…what?” [Realizes camera is still on him, looks at it sheepishly and waves].

Mr. SHIDLER’s Classroom. All six KIDS are seated.

MR. SHIDLER: “And so, the filthy Ganges river tastes like…”

[Bell rings. Everyone but TASHA gets up and runs out.]

MR. SHIDLER: “Tasha! Hold on a second. You didn’t hand in your report on the Internet.”

TASHA: “No, sir.”

MR. SHIDLER: “May I ask why not?”

TASHA: “Well, I typed it on the computer, but my mother wouldn’t let me take the computer to school.”

MR. SHIDLER: “What? You don’t have to take your computer to school! Just e-mail me your report!”

TASHA: “I tried that. But my computer wouldn’t fit in the mail box!”

MR. SHIDLER: “Where does the school board find them…and why do they keep sending them to ME?!”

Link Set. ADAM is putting his jacket on, getting ready to leave. ANNE and NICOLE are staring at him with rapt attention.

ADAM [Looks uncomfortable]: “Why do you two keep staring at me?”

ANNE: “We’ve seen those old episodes you were on. You were the best!”

NICOLE: “Yeah. You were amazing.”

ADAM: “Really?” [Puffs himself up].

ANNE and NICOLE: “Yes!”

ADAM: “Well…What can I say? I’ve been told I’m a very funny person with a lot of stage presence…”

ANNE: “We especially liked the way you would joke around with your friend Ted!”

ADAM: “Ted? But I wasn’t ever on the show with Ted!”

NICOLE: “Sure you were! You used to wear that cool leather jacket…”

ADAM: “Oh no! That wasn’t me, that was Chris. You have me confused with Chris Bickford!”

[ANNE & NICOLE exchange a glance, then leave quickly.]

ADAM: “Wait! Girls, don’t you want my autograph? Girls?”

[Pause, Adam takes out notebook and pen].

ADAM: “Note to self: order leather jacket from Internet.”

Fade to black.

END