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 An
original YCDTOTV script written by Bob Morris
[Fade up: The pre-empt. The Saturday Night Live graphic, only Saturday is crossed out with a magic marker and "Sunday" written above it in messy writing.] Announcer: "Saturday Night Live Forgets It's Actually Sunday" will not be seen at the time because somebody was confused about whether or not it was actually on the air. In its place, we present the following mixed message. [Scene: Barth's Burgery. Ryan is sitting down, eating a burger and actually enjoying it. Margie walks onto the set and takes the seat opposite Ryan.] Margie: Ryan... you look like you are enjoying one of Barth's burgers... why? Ryan: It's actually quite good. Margie: You can't be serious. Ryan: No, really... try it. [He passes the burger over to Margie, who takes a bite.] Margie: You're not kidding... it is good. It's a miracle! [Cut to Barth, who raises his head over the counter in the background.] Barth: Dah, I heard that! Margie: [to Ryan] What happened, Ryan? You have any idea? Ryan: Well, actually, what I heard was that Barth got a shipment of Grade A premium ground beef by mistake... somebody mixed up his order and sent that beef to him, so he's having to use it for his burgers. Margie: Oh, I... [pausing] Wait a minute... if he got the ground beef my mistake, what does he... [And then we see Barth walking behind the booth, talking on a cordless phone covered in grease.] Barth: Because of that mix-up your delivery boy made, I'm gonna have to track down that shipment of mice that the science laboratory was using for testing chemicals and then sent to me... [This conversation causes Ryan and Margie to pause, listening as Barth continues.] Barth: No, you don't realize that I need the right meat for my recipes... why, right now, I could... [Barth's statement causes Ryan and Margie to cover their mouths and then they lean over the side of the booth, both violently ill.] Barth: [to the phone] Hold on... I'll call you back. [He then goes to grab the bucket. Cut: The opening animation and theme music. Cut: The firing squad set. Emily is standing in front of the pole as El Capitano raises up his sword.] El Capitano: Ready... aim... Emily: Wait... stop the execution. El Capitano: What is it now?! Emily: These aren't the usual amigos, are they? El Capitano: Well... no, they are not. We have some amigos in training, so I gave the usual amigos the day off. Emily: It looks like they're getting confused about which way to point the guns. El Capitano: Well, I... [pausing] Wait a minute, you're trying to fool me, aren't you, kid? Emily: No, I just noticed they were pointing the guns at the wrong person. El Capitano: Don't you try to fool me, kid... you want me to switch places with you and then they'll shoot me instead of you. Emily: No, I wouldn't... El Capitano: No, no more interruptions... [turning to the firing squad] Ready... aim... fire! [And the firing squad does fire, but indeed, it is El Capitano whose body twitches as he drops the sword and falls to his knees.] El Capitano: Oooh, you were right, kid... [He falls to the ground.] Emily: I tried to warn you. [Looking over to the firing squad] Do any of you need glasses, perhaps? [Cut: The link set. Ryan stands there alone.] Ryan: Hi, and welcome to another episode of You Can't Do That On Television, the show that tries to send the right message to youth today, but it gets all mixed up. [Shrugs] At any rate... [Tiffany then walks onto the set.] Tiffany: Wait a minute... Ryan, why are you opening the show? Ryan: It said so in my script. Tiffany: Hold on... Ryan, in my script, it said I was to open up the show. It says so right here. [Raising up a stack of paper, obviously her script.] Ryan: Let me see... [looking over at her script] Well, yeah, it does, but let me look at my script. [And he pulls up his own.] Tiffany: OK, now where... [looks it over, then shakes her head.] Ross! What is going on here? [Cut to Ross off stage.] Ross: Look, will you two quit worrying about it and just read from the cue cards! [Cut back to Tiffany and Ryan as Ryan just shrugs.] Ryan: Well, I started, may as well continue. [Turning back to face the camera.] Anyway, today's show is about politics and how everyone should exercise the right to vote... Tiffany: No, wait a minute! Ryan: What, I... [pausing] No, you're right... I thought today's show was about mix-ups. [Cut back to Ross off stage. Indeed, the cue card he holds up has the same lines about "the show is about politics" that Ryan just said.] Ross: Will you two kids just stop aruging and introduce the show! [Cut back to Tiffany and Ryan.] Ryan: But, Ross, you're holding up the wrong cue card! It's for a show about politics! [Cut back to Ross, who looks at the cue card, then shakes his head in frustration.] Ross: All right... there must have been a mix-up somewhere... you kids just improvise. [He walks off. Cut back to Tiffany and Ryan.] Tiffany: Improvise? [Shaking her head] Only on this show could there be all these mix-ups on a show about mix-ups. [Now Margie walks onto the set, a script also in her hand.] Margie: Hey, what are you two doing here? I'm supposed to introduce the show. Tiffany: [turning to Margie] What?! Margie: It says so right here... [She motions to her script, which Tiffany now begins looking over as well. Ryan shakes his head.] Ryan: It's going to be a long day, that's for sure. [Cut: The classroom set. Mr. Shidler walks over to a desk at which Jeff is seated.] Mr. Shidler: Today, everyone was supposed to turn in a book report and everyone did... except for you, Jeff. Now... do you care to explain why you didn't turn one in? Jeff: Wasn't it due Friday? Mr. Shidler: Jeff, it was due Thursday, which is today. Jeff: Sir, that was the math test we were supposed to have today, wasn't it? Mr. Shidler: We took the math test yesterday, which was Wednesday. Jeff: Wednesday? Wasn't that when you wanted us to give an oral presentation? Mr. Shilder: No, that was a week ago! [Throwing up his hands in frustration] Why are you getting all these due dates confused? Jeff: Well, when you tell me the book report is due Thursday, and it's Friday, and then the math test is Wednesday and the oral presentation is a week from Friday and then the following Monday, we were... Mr. Shidler: [frustrated] Will you just answer the question?! Margie:
[chiming in] Sir, I can tell you what Jeff's problem is Jeff: [turning to Margie] So what? Margie: Well, it's not like you have anything inside your head to help you keep track of things. Jeff: Oh, very funny, Margie. [Throws a wad of paper at her. Mr. Shilder gets his attention by rapping his pointer on the desk.] Mr. Shilder: Jeff! If you're having trouble keeping track of due dates, I know of something that may help you. Jeff: Uh... what is it? [Mr. Shilder leans closer to Jeff as he backs down in his chair.] Mr. Shilder: A session... of detention... after school... TODAY! [Cut: The doctor's office. Tiffany is sitting opposite the doctor, and in her lap is a notebook and a pencil.] Doctor: All right... I understand you are still having a problem with tonsilitis? Didn't the operation take care of that? [Tiffany jots down something on the notebook with the pencil as the doctor looks confused. She hands over the notebook to the doctor, who reads from it.] Doctor: "Doctor, you got mixed up when you performed the operation." [Pausing] Hold on, kid... why are you writing notes to me about this? Why can't you just talk to me about it? [Tiffany motions for the doctor to pass her the notebook. When he does, she jots something down again and passes it back to the doctor.] Doctor: [reading from the notebook] "Because you didn't remove my tonsils during the operation... you removed my voice box." [Tiffany folds her arms and frowns at the doctor, who just shrugs.] Doctor: Well, look at it this way... now you never have to worry about the teacher telling you not to talk in class. [Cut: The link set. Ryan is standing there... and wearing a skirt.] Ryan: They had a mix-up in the wardrobe department and that's why I'm wearing this skirt. [Looks down at the skirt.] Something tells me these mix-ups are going to get worse as this show continues. Ross: [off camera] Ryan, that's not your line. Ryan: Yes, it is, Ross. It says so in my script! [Ross walks onto the set.] Ross: No, Ryan, it's an opposite sketch. You are supposed to say that the mix-up was actually great because you think this skirt looks good on you. Ryan: Ross, it's not the opposites. We haven't even introduced them. Ross: Not according to what I have on my script. Ryan: Not according to your... [pausing] Oh great, more mix-ups in the scripts. Ross: Look... just forget about it. Introduce the opposites, all right? [He walks off the set, clearly frustrated.] Ryan: Well... all right, so it's time for some opposite sketches. I can only hope that, because there are so many mix-ups in real life, it means no mix-ups are going to happen during the opposites. [The screen then flips, indicating the start of the opposite. Cut: Barth's Burgery. Barth, of course, is clean cut. Tiffany and Jeff sit opposite each other in the booth as Barth serves them some burgers.] Barth: Here you go, kids... two specials. Tiffany and Jeff: Thanks Barth. Barth: You're wel... [Pauses as he stares at the burgers] Wait a minute, something's wrong here. Tiffany: What's the problem? Barth: This isn't the special... this is grilled roadkill... now how do you suppose I could have possibly made a mix-up like that? Jeff: Hey, it's OK, Barth... we'll eat it. Barth: No, no, you are not going to eat roadkill... you ordered two deluxe burgers made from ground sirloin and because that is what you ordered, that is what you are going to get! Tiffany: Barth, you don't have to... Barth: Yes, I do! [He takes the burgers away] While I'm at it, I need to remember to remove that grilled roadkill from the menu... I certainly don't want my customers eating bad food like that, now do I? [Tiffany and Jeff look upset. Cut: The school bus. Snake Eyes is driving, of course, and Ryan is in the seat behind him.] Snake Eyes: OK, Ryan, we're almost at your house... I'll see you in the morning to pick you up. Ryan: Snake Eyes... I don't want to be taken to my house yet. Snake Eyes: What... why wouldn't you want to be taken to your house? Ryan: Well, aren't you supposed to be getting confused about where you are supposed to go and take a bunch of wrong turns? Snake Eyes: Ryan, I want to make sure you get home on time, and safely. If I want to do that, why would I take all those wrong turns? Ryan: Why would I want to get home on time? You need to get us all lost. Other kids on the bus: Yeah, come on! Snake Eyes: [shaking his head] No... look, Ryan, here is your house. [He stops the bus.] Now, tomorrow, I don't want to hear anything about wanting me to run red lights or hit pedestrians either, is that understood? Ryan: [shaking his head] It's not fair! [Cut: The living room set. Lance Prevert is sitting in his chair as Margie walks in through the door. Lance turns to Margie.] Margie: Hi Dad, I'm home. Lance: [turning around suddenly] Young lady, what are you doing home at this hour?! Margie: Sorry, Dad, but I may have gotten confused about what time you wanted me to be home. Lance: You better believe you got confused! [Looking at his watch] It's only 8:30 at night! Margie: Dad, I'm a half-hour early then... you wanted me home at nine, right? Lance: No, Margie, I said I didn't want to see you home at nine, or at ten, or at eleven... I told you that you were not to come home until after midnight! Margie: But Dad, I'd like to get some sleep... I've got school tomorrow. Lance: Young lady... get out that door right now and go party with your friends... and don't you get mixed up again about what time you are supposed to be home or you'll be watching TV the rest of the week instead of doing your homework! Margie: All right, all right... I'll go! [She then exits the door, frustrated, as Lance sighs.] Lance: Kids... how can they confuse staying out late with coming home early. [The screen flips then, indicating the opposites are over, and we are now backstage at the studio, where we find Margie by the coffee pot. Ryan then walks into the scene, still wearing that skirt.] Ryan: Margie, have you seen my pants? Margie: Your pants? Ryan: Yeah, you see, I was supposed to just wear this skirt for this one scene on the show, and I left my pants somewhere, but now, I can't find them. Margie: Well, I haven't seen them anywhere, Ryan... but you know, that skirt looks good on you. Ryan: Oh, shut up, I... [He then notices something lying crumpled up on the ground. Ryan picks it up off the ground... a pair of pants that are soaked.] Ryan: These are my pants. [He pulls them to his face and smells them.] This is coffee... what's happened? Margie: Oh... oh, I'm so sorry, Ryan... you see, they spilled the coffee pot a few minutes ago and I needed to find a towel to clean it up... so I must have grabbed your pants by mistake. Ryan: Great... now I have to get them washed... thanks a lot, Margie. [Looking down] And because of your mix-up, now I have to wear this skirtfor a while. [He walks off as Margie calls out after him.] Margie: Hey, Ryan... nice legs! [Cut: The kitchen, where we find Valerie Prevert and Emily washing the dishes.] Emily: Hey Mom... did you see that soap opera episode where a nurse mixedup the babies in the hospital? Valerie: Well, yes, but why are you bringing this up? Emily: It just made me wonder... was there ever a mix-up at the hospital when I was born? Valerie: Emily! What on earth would make you think a nurse switched you with another baby? I would never think something like that happened with you! You are my special little girl and you know that! Emily: No, Mom, I'm just wondering if... well, maybe you and I went home with the wrong father. [And at this point, Lance Prevert walks onto the set. His hands are covered in a dark substance, which is also on his shirt and sleeves.] Lance: Emily, I heard it all and I can't believe you'd say such things. [He pushes past both Valerie and Emily and dips his filthy hands into the sink, ignoring the fact they are washing dishes.] Lance: It just makes me wonder why I do things like changing the oilin the car to help us save money. [Emily looks closer at Lance's shirt, then takes her finger and rubs it over the dark substance. She smells the substance, then tastes it.] Emily: Dad... you mixed up. Lance: Emily, don't bring this up again... Emily: No, Dad... this isn't oil. This is chocolate syrup. [Valerie, already upset over Lance dipping his dirty hands into the sink,is now even more unhappy.] Valerie: Oh, Lance, how could you get mixed up! On top of that, you just stick your hands in the sink with all the dishes we're trying to wash! [Sighing, then looking at Emily] You know, Emily, you may have a point about mixing up fathers... Lance: [raising up his soap-covered hand at Valerie] Valerie... don't encourage her! [Cut: The firing squad set. Jeff is standing in front of the pole as El Capitano raises up his sword.] El Capitano: Ready... aim... Jeff: Hold on... stop the execution! El Capitano: What is it this time?! Jeff: You can't shoot me! I didn't do anything to be shot for! El Capitano: Now, look, kid... we have witnesses who said you snuck into El Presidente's refrigerator and took the last grape soda. Jeff: That wasn't me... that was my brother. You mixed me up with him. El Capitano: It was your brother... [pausing] Wait a minute, kid, I've heard this one before... next thing you'll tell me is you have a twin, right? Jeff: Actually, no... I'm a quadruplet. El Capitano: [laughing] Oh, now that's even better... a quadruplet! That's pretty funny, eh, amigos? [The amigos laugh... but not for long as another "Jeff" walks onto the firing range.] Jeff #2: Yeah, who do you think you are, accusing me of stealing? [And then another "Jeff" walks on from the other side.] Jeff #3: I thought he was accusing me of doing it. [From behind Jeff #3, we get still another "Jeff."] Jeff #4: Well, whichever one he accused of, he'd better take it back! Jeff: Now, just a minute... I never did anything wrong! [And all four Jeffs start to argue among themselves, El Capitano looking quite confused. Finally, he speaks up.] El Capitano: Hold it... QUIET! [The Jeffs stop arguing.] El Capitano: All right... so you are quadruplets... but the question is... how are we supposed to know which one of you took El Presidente's soda? How do we avoid getting mixed up? Jeff: Well... you could probably avoid shooting the wrong person by just letting us all go. El Capitano: Hmmm... I suppose you are right. You can all go. Jeff: Thanks! [He then turns to the other Jeffs.] Now are you accusing me of lying... [The four Jeffs continue to argue as they walk off the set.] El Capitano: You know... that is one smart kid. [Pauses] Or in this case, four smart kids. [Cut: The row of lockers. Emily pops out of one of them.] Emily: Hey Tiffany. [She waits but there is no response.] Emily: Um... hey Ryan. [Again, no response.] Emily: Margie? Jeff? [No response again. Emily climbs out of her locker and pulls out her script.] Emily: Aren't the locker jokes supposed to begin now? [She reads over her script and nods her head.] Emily: Well, according to the script, they are supposed to be now. [Shrugs her shoulders] Maybe they just forgot... I'll wait for them. [And into her locker she goes. Cut: The link set, where Tiffany stands alone.] Tiffany: You know, there's a lot of mix-ups that can happen in real life, not just on this show. Take, for example, what happened at the bakery the other day. My Mom ordered a chocolate cake for my brother's birthday party, and when I went to the bakery to pick it up, they had a banana cream pie for him instead. [She pauses, staring off screen at something.] Tiffany: Um, Ross... why are there lines for Ryan next? [Cut to Ross, holding a cue card up with Ryan's name, followed by gibberish.] Ross: According to the script I have, Ryan is supposed to be sharing his mix-up experience with you. [Pauses] Where is that kid anyway? [Cut back to the link set, where Tiffany stands.] Tiffany: But my script didn't say Ryan was supposed to be here. [She then groans. And then, Margie now walks onto the set next to Tiffany.] Tiffany: Now what are you doing? Margie: [grinning] This. [She then shoves a pie into Tiffany's face.] Tiffany: Now wait a minute... what was that for?! Margie: In the script I have, it says after you talked about your bakery mix-up, I was supposed to hit you with a pie. Tiffany: That's not in my script either! Margie, you know they've mixed up all the scripts... why would you just assume that was what you were supposed to do?! Margie: Well... do I look like I'd pass up that opportunity? [Snickers] Tiffany: I ought to... [Ross walks onto the set at this point.] Ross: All right, that's enough out of both of you! Here, Tiffany, here's a towel. [He hands her a large, dark-colored cloth. Tiffany begins to wipe her face off.] Ross: Look, the scriptwriters apparently couldn't agree on the script, so they ended up with several drafts and they got all mixed up together. Margie: Well, how are we supposed to know what our lines are then? [Turns to Tiffany.] Do I get to pie her again? Tiffany: [glaring at Margie] You better not. Ross: Well, we may have to improvise even more... Tiffany: [turning to Ross] Ross, don't give Margie an excuse for her ideas! [At this point, Ryan walks onto the set. He's still wearing the skirt.] Ryan: Hey, has anyone seen my pants? I just hung them up to dry and... [He stares at Tiffany and the whipped-cream covered cloth she holds.] Ryan: Hey! Those are my pants! [He grabs them from Tiffany.] Ross: Your pants... I thought that was a towel... Ryan: Thanks a lot, Ross... I have to wash them again now! [He storms off the set. Ross, Margie and Tiffany all chuckle.] Ross: By the way, Ryan, I like your legs! Ryan: [off camera] Shut up! [Cut: The living room set. Valerie is watching TV when Jeff walks into the room. He's wearing a shirt and pair of pants that are both about two sizes too big.] Jeff: Uh, Mom... I don't think these clothes are mine, and that's all I could find in my closet. Valerie: Oh my... oh, Jeff, I must have mixed up your father's clothes with yours after I did the laundry. [Margie then walks into the living room. She's wearing what appears to be a boys' shirt.] Margie: Actually, Mom, you put Jeff's clothes into my closet. Valerie: Oh my goodness, I must have really mixed things up when I did the laundry. [Pausing] What about your father... [And in walks Lance Prevert, wearing a girls' blouse that is pretty tight on him and a skirt.] Lance: Valerie... how do you expect me to make presentations in the senate when I have to be dreesed like this?! [Margie and Jeff both crack up. Valerie looks at her husband.] Valerie: You know, Lance... you have nice legs. Jeff: [chuckling] Mom's right, you know. Lance: Jeff! Don't encourage your mother! [Cut: The detention room. Ryan is sitting in one of the desks, playing what looks like a Game Boy. The Principal looks up from his desk.] Principal: Ryan... you're playing video games in detention and you shouldn't be. Ryan: Oh, sorry, sir... I guess I get confused about the rules of detention. Principal: You also claimed to be getting confused about the rules in class when you were playing video games... and that's why you are here in detention. Ryan: Yeah, the teacher said if I'm confused about class rules, I shouldn't be in class to begin with. Principal: And your teacher was right. Ryan: Well, if my teacher was right, then that means, if I'm confused about detention rules, I shouldn't be in detention to begin with. Principal: You know what... you are right. Ryan: So then that means I should leave detention then? Principal: Oh, you better leave, all right. Ryan: Fine, I will. [He gets up from his desk and goes to leave.] Principal: Let this be a lesson to you. [Ryan heads for the door, but just before he leaves, he turns to the camera.] Ryan: You know, sometimes it's so easy, I'm ashamed of myself. [Ryan leaves, and just after he does, the principal suddenly realizes what just happened.] Principal: Wait a minute! [Pounds his fist on the desk.] How do I always let these kids get me mixed up? [Cut: The link set. Tiffany is sitting down and Jeff walks onto the set, sitting down next to her.] Jeff: Hey, Tiffany. Tiffany: Jeff, are you even supposed to be on the set now? Jeff: Why are you asking that? Tiffany: Because everybody seems to have a different script and things are getting mixed up. Jeff: Well, according to mine... [he pulls out his script and looks it over] it says you and I are supposed to be on the link set together. Tiffany: [sighing] I just gave up and threw mine away, Jeff. And Ross wants us to improvise everything now. Jeff: Improvise? Why can't we just go by my script? Tiffany: Jeff, I don't know if that script you have is the right one. Jeff: [pausing] Uh, Tiffany, you just... [Jeff gets slimed. Both he and Tiffany look surprised, although Tiffany is covering her mouth, trying not to laugh.] Jeff: Whoa, hold on here... that's not fair. You were the one who said...those words. Tiffany: [stifling a giggle] Sorry, Jeff. Jeff: Yeah, you should be. [He starts flipping through the script.] And no, it doesn't say I'm supposed to get slimed in this scene either. Tiffany: Well... tell me, Jeff, what does it say? Jeff: Well, it's not much better... it says I'm supposed to get water poured on me. Tiffany: [giggles] I guess that... [Tiffany gets watered. She's now even more surprised than she was before.] Tiffany: What is going on here? You said... Jeff: I know what I said. [They both pause for a few seconds.] Tiffany: Wait a minute, Jeff... if you got slimed when I said the words, and I got... Jeff: You think whoever's controlling the slime and... uh, H20, is getting mixed up? Tiffany: That's exactly what I think. Jeff: Maybe we should just get out of here before any more mix-ups happen. Tiffany: That's a good suggestion, Jeff. [They both get up and leave. Cut: Barth's Burgery. Emily and Ryan are sitting opposite each other. Emily looks at her burger and it's white.] Emily: Um, Barth, a question. Barth: [approaching the booth] What is it now? You kids want to make fun of my food again? Emily: No, Barth... it looks like I got chicken instead of beef. Ryan: Why are you worried about that? Emily: I think Barth mixed up and got my order wrong. Ryan: Emily... any order from Barth is wrong. Barth: Dah, I heard that! And Emily... this is exactly what you ordered... the special. Now, since all you want to do is make fun of my food, I have other business to take care of, outside. [He walks off.] Emily: Gosh... I thought there wasn't chicken in the special. Ryan: Emily... the special is either light meat or dark meat. Emily: Light meat or dark meat? But then it is chicken, isn't it? Ryan: Um... it's not chicken, Emily. Barth's special is also known as Roadside's Finest... you know, the other business he wants to take care of...outside... [He pauses as Emily now seems to understand.] Emily and Ryan: What do you think is in the burgers?! Barth: [from off screen] Dah, I heard that! [A pause] Wait a minute... that squirrel is nice and flat. [Cut: Backstage area. Jeff is just finished wiping away green slime, using a large dark-colored cloth. In walks Ryan, still dressed in the skirt.] Ryan: Hey, Jeff, have you seen my... [He pauses, taking the cloth away from Jeff that he was using to clean up with.] Jeff: Ryan, what's your problem? I just found that towel and... Ryan: [frustrated] This is not a towel, you idiot! These are my pants! I'm going to have wash them... again! Jeff: Well, sorry, I... Ryan: How can everybody get mixed up like this?! [He storms off as Jeff smiles.] Jeff: Ryan... I like your legs! Ryan: [off camera] Shut up! [Cut: The doctor's office. Margie is sitting opposite the doctor, her back is to the camera.] Doctor: Margie, how can you possibly say that there was a mix-up with the prescription I gave you. Margie: Doctor, you told me that you were going to prescribe something to help me clear up my skin. Doctor:
I did... didn't you get it filled out at the pharmacy like I Margie: Doctor, that's the problem. They didn't give me any medicine to help me clear up my skin. They mixed up and gave me a hair-growth formula. Doctor: Oh my... [The camera now cuts to Margie... she has a beard.] Doctor: But look, this isn't my fault... I know I wrote the rightprescription. Margie: No, I think you need to work on your penmanship... what pharmacist could ever read your writing? Doctor: [pausing] That hurt, Margie. [Cut: The link set, where we find Tiffany, Margie and Jeff all talking amongst themselves and rather loudly. They all seem to be arguing over which script they have is the right one. Ross walks onto the set.] Ross: All right... QUIET! [The kids stop talking and look at Ross.] Ross: Look, the show is almost over, so let's just try to get through the last scene, OK. Tiffany: Ross, if there's so much mix-up about the scripts, who knows if they'll even have an ending written. Ross: No, I talked to the producer... he just wants to get this show over with because of all the mix-ups. But... [looks around] Hold on, we can't end the show without Ryan. [He looks offstage] Ryan, come on out here. Ryan: I'm not coming out. Ross: Ryan, you aren't wearing that skirt anymore. And you told me you were getting your pants cleaned again. Ryan: Yeah, but after all those washings, now they... Ross: Ryan, get out here... [He walks off stage and then, on to the set comes Ryan, stumbling in,apparently having been shoved onto the set by Ross. Ross follows him back onto the set. Ryan is wearing pants, but they are extremely tight fitting, almost like a small pair of shorts.] Margie: Oh my... [giggling] Ryan... Ryan: Hey, if you all hadn't been using my pants for a towel because of your mix-ups, I wouldn't have to keep washing them. Now they've shrunk as a result! Tiffany: [chuckling] Well, look at the bright side, Ryan. Ryan: What bright side? Tiffany: You really have nice legs. Ryan: Oh, that's it... you are so dead... Tiffany: Hey... [Ryan goes after Tiffany, the two of them pushing each other a bit, Jeff andMargie laughing and Ross just shaking his head as the closing credits roll. Then, when the credits finish, we hear the announcer.] Announcer: You Can't Do That On Television has been one mixed-up adventure. [Cut to the announcer.] Announcer: And the biggest mix-ups are how this show got on the air ahead of quality programming and how the people that work here got their jobs over more qualified individuals and... what? [Pausing] What do you mean... especially the announcer? [Cut: Backstage area. Tiffany is leaning up against the wall, her arms folded and shaking her head.] Tiffany: I thought we'd never get through that one. [Out walks Ryan. He's now wearing sweat pants.] Tiffany: You finally got your pants problem solved? Ryan: Yeah, luckily I found somebody willing to lend me a pair of sweat pants. Tiffany: [grinning] You mean, you don't want to show off your lovely legs? Ryan: Funny, Tiffany... let's just get out of here. [They are about to leave, but Ryan stops.] Ryan: Wait a minute... where was Emily? She wasn't there for the final scene like she was supposed to be. Tiffany: You're right. We forgot about her, didn't we? Ryan: Well, with all the mix-ups going on, looks like we got mixed up ourselves. Tiffany: [Groaning] Uh, yeah. [Shaking her head] But where could she... [pausing] Wait a minute, I'll bet she got so confused, she just gave up and left for the day. Ryan: Well, considering what happened today, you're probably right. [Cut: To the lockers. Nobody there... but then we hear some pounding from inside one of them. You then hear Emily's voice.] Emily: Um... is anybody there? Are we going to do locker jokes... mine is stuck. [More pounding] Tiffany? Ryan? Anybody? [More pounding] Hello... is there anybody who can get me out? [Fade to black.] END
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Copyright © 1995-2006, The Slime Society
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