An original YCDTOTV script written by Jason Antoniewicz
Copyright 1999, Jason Antoniewicz

PRE-EMPT
A GRAPHIC OF A CEILING FAN WITH A MOUTH AND EYES IS SHOWN

Announcer:
"My Mother the Ceiling Fan" can not be shown so we the network can nag you to watch the following.

BARTH'S
Matthew, Adam, Alasdair, and Stephanie are sitting and eating.

ADAM
Wow! This Barth Burger is actually tasty...what's in it now?

BARTH
Oh you wouldn't believe what happened. My mom came in with her home cooking she made when I was a kid.

MATTHEW
So she put it in the burgers.

BARTH
Yup. I can't believe she saved the cooking from when I was a kid and put it in the burgers.

ALASDAIR
You mean this is that old?

(They throw up)

(opening)

LINK SET
CHRISTINE
Welcome to You Can't Do That on Television.

ALASDAIR
Today's show is all about mothers.

Matthew walks in; he is wearing normal clothes, all except pink frou-frou socks.

CHRISTINE
Hey! Look at Matthew! (laughs)

MATTHEW
Hey shut up Christine! My mom made me wear this. I said I would look like a girl, and she said it would be alright.

ALASDAIR
See? That's something special about mothers.

MATTHEW
What? Special? Gimme a break. (He storms off camera)

FIRING SQUAD
CAPTIANO
Ready, aim...what mom? (looks harder) There isn't anything on my face! Alright.

He walks off camera and comes back.

CAPTIANO
Better? (turns to Alasdair) I don't think she knows how to fire. (Has spasms with every shot)

ALASDAIR
Looks like she knows. (Laughs)

CLASSROOM
TEACHER
Alright turn to page 205, and by the way, Adam?

ADAM
Yes?

TEACHER
Your mother stopped by. She left you your lunch.

(He walks to Adam and hands it to him. The name ADAM is in big letters of the side and everybody laughs loudly)

TEACHER
Quiet down! What is wrong with a mother coming...

A woman in an apron holding a book coming in the door cuts him off.

MOTHER
Honey! (waving) Dear?

TEACHER
What, mom?

MOTHER
You have forgotten your attendance book.

TEACHER
(takes it angrily) Thanks!

MOTHER
Aw, you have a smudgie. Come on.

She "spits" in towel and wipes it off.

TEACHER
Mom! I don't...

Class now laughing as she continues.

TEACHER
Now I see your point.

LINK SET
Christine and Alasdair are sitting down, Matthew comes in. Alasdair looks at his socks.

ALASDAIR
Now what happened?

MATTHEW
Look!

The camera along with Alasdair and Christine looks at a pair of ratty old socks.

MATTHEW
I had to borrow these from Ross!

Ross walks in.

ROSS
Now I want to tell you Matthew that those socks are precious. My mother gave them to me when I was a kid, and you have a distinct honor.

Christine pinches her nose as if something smells.

CHRISTINE
More like distinct odor! Man, that stinks. (waves to blow away stench, Alasdair joins her)

MATTHEW
I'm going to get my old socks!

ROSS
Come back!

Ross and Matthew both go off camera.

LOCKERS
STEPHANIE
Hey Adam?

ADAM
Yes Stephanie?

STEPHANIE
Does your mom still tuck you in?

ADAM
Nope, she says I'm too old for that.

STEPHANIE
(giggles nervously) Yeah. (both shut lockers)

MATTHEW
Hey Alasdair?

ALASDAIR
Yes Matthew?

MATTHEW
Does your mom do soap operas?

ALASDAIR
Wait Matthew, do you mean watch soap operas?

MATTHEW
No, DO soap operas. She puts little mouths on the soap bars and starts singing.

ADAM
Hey Christine?

CHRISTINE
Yes Adam?

ADAM
Does your mom tell your dad to turn off football when he's watching it?

CHRISTINE
Yeah, she wants to watch the football most of the time.

DUNGEON
Nasti places a box in front of the skeleton.

ALASDAIR
Hey? What is that?

NASTI
Oh that. (points at box) That's a package from Hodgkin's mother, it's a magazine.

ALASDAIR
Did my mom send anything?

NASTI
Oh yes (giggles nervously) she did send you this.

Grabs dusty box off camera and blows off dust. Alasdair turns away from dust and then looks at the box.

ALASDAIR
Well, open it!

Nasti opens it and they both look in. Nasti jerks it away and throws it on the floor.

ALASDAIR
Hey! There were crumbs in there! (looks at box) And it was postmarked for two months ago!

NASTI
Well there was cookies...(giggles nervously)

ALASDAIR
Hey!

LINK SET
Adam and Alasdair are sitting down and Matthew walks in wearing the socks.

MATTHEW
Hey I have begun to like these socks.

ADAM
Oh no, you know what this is...

ALASDAIR
You don't mean the...

ALL
The introduction the opposite sketches!

INTRO OPPOSITE SKETCHES

KITCHEN
Tools and a box of tools are on the counter and Adam walks in.

ADAM
Where's Dad?

Mother comes from under sink.

MOTHER
He's in the living room watching soap operas. I am here fixing a leak under the sink.

ADAM
Need any help Mom?

MOTHER
Nope. All I need is a TV.

ADAM
Why is that?

MOTHER
Because while your Father watches his soaps, I'm missing a football game!

She goes back under.

(Adam walks into the living room where the dad is crying into his shirt while watching the show)

ADAM
It's okay.

DAD
(Crying) But John broke up with Marcia! (More sobbing)

(Adam grabs his collar and the scene ends)

DINNER TABLE
(Dad, Mom and Stephanie are eating and the Mom starts making a volcano with her mashed potatoes)

STEPHANIE
Oh stop that! Don't play with your food, you might influence Dad!

(Dad starts too)

STEPHANIE
That's it! (Gets up) You are grounded! For a week! No going out!

MOM
That means we don't have to go to work! (Laughs and throws food at Dad)

STEPHANIE
Stop that!

(OUTRO SKETCHES)

LINK SET
(All cast is sitting except Matthew who walks in right as the scene is introduced)
CHRISTINE
Well, after constant begging, Matthew got his mom to cough up some dough and he went and bought some socks.

MATTHEW
Yeah, I don't know why my Mom would give ME money! (Matthew is slimed)

ADAM
Now look, (He points at the socks) you stained the socks green, I guess you have to get more! (The cast is laughing and Ross walks in)

ROSS
What are all you kids laughing at? Aren't you supposed to being doing the show?

CHRISTINE
(While laughing) Matthew got slimed and stained his socks green! (She continues as Ross joins in, Matthew wipes the slime out of his eyes and flings it at Ross' feet.)

ROSS
Now look what you've done! Now I need new socks! (Ross starts to walk off)

MATTHEW
Let me come! (He walks too) Can you pay for me?

ROSS
No way! (Matthew groans and some cast members fall over laughing)

DETENTION
(Principal paces as Adam is at desk)
PRINCIPAL
I thought of your punishment! You will have to eat my mother's meatloaf! (He goes to the door and opens it, Abby hands him the meatloaf and he puts it on the desk)

ADAM
Great! (He starts eating)

PRINCIPAL
Have you tasted my mom's meatloaf? (As he says that Adam spits out the meatloaf)

ADAM
What, did you get this from Barth's mother?

BARTH (Pre-recorded and off-stage)
I HEARD THAT!

PRINCIPAL
Keep eating! (He takes a ruler and hits a desk and Adam jumps and continues eating)

LOCKER ROOM
(Stephanie and Matthew come in with the coach wearing football uniforms)
COACH
Great game players! This co-ed football thing is a great idea!

(Mother walks in)

MOTHER
Um, is my daughter alright?

COACH
(Sighs) YES, Mrs. Smith. You don't need to ask me that every five SECONDS!

STEPHANIE
Yeah Mom, it's quite alright. (She walks out)

COACH
Now Matthew, if you pass to Stephanie and do the double flamalama hail mary I...

MOTHER
(Peeks around corner) Are you sure you're OK? Need anything just give a holler!

STEPHANIE
IT'S OKAY MOM!

MOTHER
Okay, toodle-loo!

COACH
I think we need to ban your mother from the football games.

LINK SET
The cast is talking as Adam and Ross walk in.

CHRISTINE
Well, well, the sock buddies are here? How are the socks? Good?

MATTHEW
Well, I don't know, these are a little...(Matthew gets slimed)

STEPHANIE
How could you do THAT again?

ROSS
I think we need to put those in some water. (Ross is watered)

(The cast is laughing)

ROSS
Ah! This water is cold! (He is watered again as the cast is laughing even more)

(Mother walks in) MOTHER
I'll get you some more socks, and you'll be warm again!

[Credits music] (CREDITS ROLL)
(In background, Ross is shivering and Mother stands next to him, cast dies down in laughter and begins to taunt Matthew)

(Logo is superimposed over link set)
ANNOUNCER
You Can't Do That on Television has been a Cook and Clean Production.

ANNOUNCER (IN-BOOTH)
Yeah, all they should do is cook and clean, (He looks to his left and stares at the camera, frightened)

OFF-STAGE
(Ross is with Mother and now has blanket around him)
MOTHER
There, there hon.

ROSS
Thanks a lot! That water was sure cold! (Ross is watered, laughs are heard far away and Ross screams)