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 An
original YCDTOTV script written by Brian Pike
Pre-empt Announcer: “Survivor: In the Hood” will not be seen at this time, so that we may bring you yet another installment of this show which, unfortunately, is still on the air. ---------- At the Water Cooler Christine: So Alasdair, what do you think Ross wants with this upcoming meeting? Alasdair: I dunno. With Ross, you never know what you’re going to get. Christine: Maybe he’ll give us a chance to try out for ‘The Idol’. Alasdair: That’s the show where everyone sings for a record deal, right? Christine: Yeah. He might be a talent scout here. Alasdair: Ross, a talent scout?!? Besides who around here can sing? I or Doug can’t, that’s for sure. Christine: I don’t think Vanessa can. I could try, but I’d probably end up on the rejects episode. So that leaves Lisa? Alasdair: She’s got a good voice, but we only hear her talk and not sing. Christine: Yeah, if only she used her voice for good, instead of evil… ---------- [Credits roll] ---------- Firing Squad Capitano: Ready… AIM… Alasdair: Wait, wait! Stop the execution! Capitano: What is it this time? Alasdair: Before you shoot me, I’ve been thinking about something. Capitano: Gee, that’s great. Ready… AIM… Alasdair: Wait a minute, don’t you wanna hear what I have to say, since you’re gonna shoot me anyhow? Capitano: All right, but hurry up, señor, I have another execution in 15 minutes. Alasdair: I think you would make a great host of one of those new reality television shows that takes place in the middle of nowhere. You’re a rugged man who can survive in the wilderness, and that’s what they are looking for. Capitano: Maybe you’re right, señor. I am a rugged hombre, am I not amigos [they reply sí]. Alasdair: Great. Let’s try you out. Stand here in front of me, as if you’re standing right in front of the cameras. Now, I’ll be you’re cue person and give you your lines. Capitano: [with Alasdair whispering in his ear] Welcome to another episode of ‘Stranded on the Forbidden Island…’ In this episode, these teams will have to continue fending for themselves… They will need to search for small branches and brush… so that they can make an essential in order to survive… fire. [of course, as he says that, the squad shoots and Capitano falls.] That is one sneaky kid. [Alasdair walks off.] ---------- Link
Set Vanessa: So does anyone know why Ross called this meeting? Doug: Yeah, where is he anyhow? Christine: Well, while we wait I should probably introduce the show. [camera zooms in on her] Today’s show is about reality shows… Ross: [who finally walks in] Wait a minute Christine, don’t bother introducing the show. Christine: What do you mean Ross? Ross: Well, you kids may not know this, but our ratings for this show are falling quickly. Alasdair: How? They were never high in the first place. Ross: That comment aside, it’s the truth. Our ratings are falling and so the producers and myself took it upon ourselves to update this show, and make it one that today’s kids want to see. Do you know how Douglas? Doug: Kids don’t watch us anyway so I don’t know how… [he’s slimed] Ross: You know Doug, stupidity is not a quality that will keep you around by your teammates on this reality show. Lisa: Reality show…? Ross: That’s right Lisa. This is the big thing in television these days, reality shows. We decided to make this show a reality show. There will be challenges and at the end of every week, one of you will be voted out by the others. This show will be a hit, and the bigger the hit… the bigger your paychecks [waves some money out]. ---------- School Bus Lisa: Did you see that episode of ‘Junkyard Creations’ last night? Vanessa: No, I had to do homework last night. What did they make? Lisa: They had to create their own car complete with… Snake Eyes: [who interrupts them] You know, I was on that show a few years ago. Lisa: You were, Snake Eyes? Snake Eyes: Indeed I was, Lisa. I actually won second place. Vanessa: Wow, that’s really good, Snake Eyes. What did you have to make? Snake Eyes: I created this piece of machinery that we’re riding in now. [the girls look concerned] Lisa: Uh, Snake Eyes, how come you didn’t get first place? Snake Eyes: Well, I forgot to put one little thing on this vehicle that they thought was important. Vanessa: And that would be? Snake Eyes: The brakes… HOLD ON KIDS [they go speeding off] ---------- Tied
to the Tracks Doug: Fear not, madam… I, Ranger Doug, am here to rescue you. [and he starts untying the ropes] Lisa: Oh, I’m so glad you came Dougie, now I can make it back home for my favorite show ‘Be My Hero.’ Doug: Oh yeah? What’s that about? [still untying] Lisa: Well, there’s this girl looking for someone to spend the rest of her life with, and she has 10 potential choices. Doug: What do they have to do? [still untying] Lisa: Every week, the girl thinks up a task that the men have to do to prove their bravery and worth. Doug: Like untying a maiden in distress, right? [still untying] Lisa: Please! A real hero doesn’t untie maidens. I could untie things. I untie my shoes everyday. [Doug stops untying] No, this is real hero stuff. Jumping into the path of an oncoming car to protect her, taking on a lion or tiger that’s about to attack, and running into a building on fire to rescue her baby. Untying someone just can’t compare. Doug: Well, good day then, madam. [he walks off] Lisa: Doug, wait! Doug!! [to camera] Well, at least I’m taping it. [she starts whistling as she waits nonchalantly] ---------- The Locker Room Coach: Well team, are you ready for another season of chest pounding, head-banging, hard-tackling football?! Doug: Coach, what are you talking about? Of course we’re not ready. Alasdair: Yeah, it’s always us who get our chest pounded, our head banged up, and getting tackled into the ground. Coach: Well, what if I told you that this season we would be on tv? Alasdair: What? Coach: Yeah, there’s a new reality show that is following some of the best teams in the area this year. Doug: Then why do they want to see us? [a woman in a dress who also has a microphone (Abby Hagyard) comes into the locker room with a camera rolling on her as she does] Reporter: And this will be their victims… Coach: Well team, let’s show everyone what we do best. Alasdair: Run and hide!! [as they hide in some lockers, while Coach tries open their lockers that they’re holding shut] ---------- Link
Set Alasdair: The way I look at it Doug, there are three of them, and there are two of us. We have to get one of them to join our side, but which one. Vanessa? Doug: Vanessa [camera focuses on her]? Are you kidding? She hates me… While I’d love to have her around for awhile, I think our better bet would be Lisa. Alasdair: [focuses on Lisa] Motor-mouth? She’d drive us crazy after five minutes. So I guess that leaves Moose. C’mon, we have to go get her away from those two other sharks. [they walk over to her.] Christine, could we talk to you for a second? Christine: Sure, but first could you bring me a glass of the stuff over there? [points to water cooler] Doug: From the water cool… [he gets poured.] Christine: You’re right, girls. They are easy prey. Alasdair: Doug? I think we’re sunk. Doug: I’m already halfway there. ---------- Detention Principal: Lisa, your punishment for passing notes in class today is to copy pages 13-3,234 in duplicate. Lisa: Well sir, apparently you didn’t know what that note was about. Principal: I don’t need to know what the note was about, the fact that it was being passed around during classtime makes it a punishable offense. Now get to writing. Lisa: Don’t you want a little hint about what it was about? Principal: I do NOT. Lisa: Well, I guess you don’t want to win ‘Principals of Principle,’ a new television show that is looking for contestants… Principal: What do you mean? Lisa: The show, sir, is a nationwide show where camera crews follow the principals everywhere during the day at school. Every week, the audience views the tapes collected and votes off the weakest principal from that week. Obviously they will vote for kindness, as well as disciplining justly, neither of which you are showing me. You see, that note I was passing around was a petition to get you on the show. But apparently you punish unjustly, without even looking at the note. Not to mention, this is cruel and unusual punishment; I’ll be here for several years 24 hours a day copying those pages. Nope… you have no chance of winning. Principal: [daydreaming] ‘Principal of Principle’… Do you think I have shot, Lisa? Lisa: By all means, sir. I just need to get that petition started again as soon as possible. Principal: Go right ahead, Lisa. You are excused… [daydreaming again] ‘Principal of Principal’ Lisa: [she gets up and leaves while the principal is still daydreaming] Sometimes it’s so easy, I’m ashamed of myself. ---------- Blip’s Arcade Blip: Oh, Alasdair, Christine, I’m glad you’re here. I want you to try out my new video game. Christine: ‘Reality Bytes.’ What’s it all about, Blip? Blip: Well, you see, Christine, it’s a reality video game where the characters live their lives, trying to make a living, build a house, a new car, etc, etc, etc, but you get to control the decisions they make. Christine: All right, I’m game. Blip: That’ll be a quarter then… Christine: I know the drill, Blip. [she gets the money from him and puts a quarter in and fiddles with the buttons for a bit]. What does that mean? Alasdair: I think she’s hungry, Moose. Have her go to the refrigerator for some food. Christine: OK, almost there… there. I’m at the fridge. Now, all I have to do is open it, and get some food… [there’s a beep] What? Game Over…? Alasdair: Yeah Moose, she dropped the food. Something Ruddy’s never likely to do [they both laugh]. Now let me show you how it’s done. [he starts playing and they seem really engrossed by the game] Blip: [to the camera] And the reality is, this game will be a big money maker. [he laughs as he goes thru his quarters.] ---------- Link
Set Ross: OK kids, it’s time for the reward challenge. Do you want to know what you’re playing for? [they all murmur in agreement. He also takes out a wad of cash.] $1,000 for each and every one of you. Christine: Well, what do we have to do Ross? Ross: Absolutely nothing Christine. The producers and I felt that since we changed the format of the show on you kids so abruptly, and that we are the ones who have fostered this animosity between you kids that you should not have to do anything for this challenge. Alasdair: Now either Ross is giving us money to us without us having to do anything humiliating or… [all] This is just the introduction to the opposites. Vanessa: Well, let’s take it while we have the chance. [they all start grabbing for the money.] ---------- [Screen flips] OPPOSITE SKETCHES At
Home (Doorsteps) Vanessa: Thanks, Doug for the great night. I’ll have to call you again. Doug: OK, Vanessa. Later, then. [Vanessa closes the door. After she’s in the living room, the shot is split into 2, Vanessa on the left side, Doug on the right side.] Vanessa & Doug: What did I think of that date? Vanessa:
He looked handsome. Doug: She kept making rude noises. Vanessa: Would I go out with Doug again? Doug: Would I go out with Vanessa again? (at
the same time) Antiques
Roadshow Alasdair: Tell me a little bit more about this painting. Valerie: Well, this was a painting that has been handed down to us through many generations. Lance’s great-great-great-great-great gandfather received this painting from Leonardo Da Vinci himself. He said that it was a going away present for the trip to the new world across the Atlantic. Apparently this is a rough draft of the painting that is hanging in Paris right now. While they may have the best Mona Lisa, we have the ORIGINAL Mona Lisa. Alasdair: I see. This is truly a piece of work. The frame is still in such good condition, and the colors still look very vibrant. How have you kept it in such good condition? Valerie: We have had it locked away for a long time. We took it out just to see how much it’s worth. Alasdair: So you have no idea what this piece is worth then, do you. Valerie: No we don’t. Alasdair: What would you guess? Valerie: Thousands? Millions? Lance: Aaaaatt least a couple of dollars. Alasdair: You will be surprised that it costs… [looks of anxiety and anticipation are showing up on their faces.] 10 dollars! Valerie: 10 dollars?!?! Alasdair: That’s right. 10 dollars. If you want, you can give it to me right now and I’ll get this piece of junk outta your sight. Lance: Jjuuuust seellll it to him, Valerie. We can use the mooonnney to go to Barthy’s to celebrate. Valerie: Don’t encourage him, dear! School Schidler: Class! Listen up! Class!! CLASS! [he whacks his pointer on the desk, and they quickly look up from their books.] Now then, as I was saying. For today’s geography lesson, we are going to learn about the tropical island of Feejee. And I figured that you would all enjoy the lesson by watching the most recent episode of “Stranded on the Forbidden Island”. Christine: How’s that going to teach us about Fiji? Schidler: Well, instead of reading facts in a dusty old textbook, you can see what the island really looks like. You can see all the plants and animals, and I even heard that in this episode, you get to see a real live Feejeean. Doesn’t that sound exciting? Lisa: But Mr. Schidler, the only reason why people watch that show is for all the good-looking men in their swimming suits. Alasdair: And the women in their bikini tops. Vanessa: And all they do is backstab and plot against each other. Doug: Yeah, and badmouth each other to us in their private diaries on-camera. Christine: We don’t wanna watch this garbage just to learn about a foreign country. We want to go to the library and check out the books so we can read all the facts and figures about Fiji. We want to get an in-depth analysis of their imports, exports, and gross domestic product. All: Yeah… [they start chanting] LI-BRAR-Y! LI-BRAR-Y! LI-BRAR-Y Schidler: Where does the school board find these kids? And why do they keep sending them to me? ---------- [Screen flips back] Link
Set Ross: Well kids, I hate to break it to ya, but I’ll need that money back. It’s taking a lot more money than we thought to produce this show. Who knew reality shows were so expensive to produce… [he takes the money back from the kids despite their protestations.] Now don’t forget, it’s almost time to vote someone out, and remember that no one is immune to this vote. As for me, I have a meeting now, but don’t worry I’ll be back soon to conduct the vote. [he walks off the set.] Lisa: Who does he think he is? Doug: Well Lisa, the opposites are over, you didn’t expect it would last would you? Lisa: But still Dougie, this is one of the worst things he’s ever done to us. He can’t keep teasing us like this. Doug: Yeah, but what can we do about it? [there’s a long silence as if they don’t know what to do.] Christine: Wait a minute, he said “No one is immune to this vote,” right? [they agree.] Well I know that I was originally planning to vote Doug out, but what if we all vote for the same person. Do you know what I’m thinking? Doug: No I don’t know what… [he’s slimed.] Vanessa: What she’s saying dimwit, is that we all vote off Ross. Alasdair; Yeah, that’d be a great idea. With him out, we’d have control of the show and… [all chime in] the money. Christine: So, who’s with me? [they all agree.] Well then, it’s set. The vote will be 5-0 that Ross will be voted out. Lisa: [giddily] I can’t wait… ---------- Fairy
Tales Lisa: [sighs] Finally, my prince has come… Alasdair: I had to find my way through the dark forest, starve trying to find food, cross deep moats, kill vicious dragons, and climb this thousand foot wall just to… Lisa: …just to win my heart! Alasdair: That’s right! To find love… and to win one million dollars. [he kneels] Lisa, oh radiant maiden, will you marry me? Lisa: NO [and she shoves him back out the window. After a couple of seconds we hear a thud.] For two million, yes, I would. ---------- Church Alasdair: Hey Doug, do you ever watch that new reality show ‘The Idol?’ Doug: No… and you shouldn’t be watching either. Alasdair: Why’s that, Doug? Doug: Don’t you remember the commandment “Thou shalt have no other idols before me” Alasdair: I really don’t think God would punish me just for watching a show with that as it’s name. [as he’s speaking this, there’s a ‘poof’, some spoke appears, and he disappears] Doug; Well, you can’t say I didn’t warn you… ---------- [Commercial Break] ---------- Camp Alasdair: Another summer at camp. I really wish that my parents would stop sending me to this camp year after year. Doug: I know what you mean, Alasdair. It seems that whenever summer rolls around, my parents just want me out of the house. [the counselor enters.] Counselor: Listen up, campers. How would you like to be on television? Alasdair: Me… on tv? That’d be great. Doug: Yeah, what do we get to do? Do we get to sing? Tell jokes? Show off my hidden talent [he starts burping the alphabet]? Counselor: No Dougie, you won’t be able to do any of that. There’s a new reality television show and they thought that this location was perfect. It has woods, wildlife, and children. All you campers have to do is show up and be yourselves. Alasdair: I can do that. What is this show called? Counselor: ‘When Good Animals Go Bad.’ Alright, campers, it’s time for a nature hike to find some animals… [he tries to drag the kids out while they’re clinging to their beds] ---------- Barth’s Burgery Christine: Did you guys see the new episode of ‘Gross-Out’ last night? Lisa: Yeah, it was gross. I would never eat an eel that’s alive. Doug: Yeah, at least Barth cooks them first… Barth: I heard that. But some of those reality shows are kinda fun to watch. In fact, I bet you didn’t know that I was hired as a cook for ‘Stranded on the Forbidden Island.’ Christine: Really, Barth? That must have been exciting. Did they ask you to make anything special? Barth: No, no they didn’t. For a reward challenge, all I had to do was make some of my Barthy Cheesy Deluxe Burgers for them. Christine: [scoffs] Some reward… Barth: But unfortunately, I never got to hear how rewarding they were. They didn’t make it to council the next night. Lisa: You mean they didn’t make it past council the next night. Doug: No, they didn’t make it to council the next night. Barth: I heard that… ---------- LOCKER JOKES Alasdair: Hey Lisa. Lisa: Yes, Alasdair. Alasdair: Have you ever seen ‘The Mole’? Lisa: Oh you mean that mystery reality show where they try to figure out who is double-crossing them all? Alasdair: No, the show on the Nature channel about the little rodent who’s blind and hairless. Lisa: No, I have never seen it… but it sounds like a documentary about Ross. Doug: Hey Christine. Christine: Yes, Doug. Doug: Do you like ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here’? Christine: It’s one of my favorite shows. I feel I can really relate to it. I may not be a celebrity, but I certainly want outta here. Doug: I hear ya. Vanessa: Hey Alasdair. Alasdair: Yes, Vanessa. Vanessa: Do you watch ‘Big Brother’? Alasdair: I watch him almost every minute of every day. Vanessa: What do you mean? It’s a television show… Alasdair: I watch my big brother all the time, because if I don’t, I’ll probably get decked by him. Christine: Hey Lisa. Lisa: Yes, Moose. Christine: Would you marry anyone just to be on television like ‘The Bachelorette’? Lisa: What do you mean, Moose? I AM on television. Christine: Lisa, do you think anyone actually watches this show? Lisa: Good point. I’ll have to think about it then. Alasdair: Hey Vanessa. Vanessa: Yes, Alasdair. Alasdair: Do you think ‘The Amazing Race’ would be hard to do? Vanessa: I know it’s hard, Alasdair. Alasdair: You mean you’ve gone around the world in several days? Vanessa: No, I have to race away from Doug every time he gets near me. No race could be harder than that. Doug: Hey Alasdair. Alasdair: Yes, Douglas. Doug: I’d like to see Vanessa on one of those reality shows. Alasdair: Oh yeah? Which one? Doug: ‘Extreme Makeover’. Vanessa: Hey Christine. Christine: Yes, Lisa. Vanessa: I’d like to see Doug on a reality show too. Christine: I’m afraid to ask… Vanessa: ‘The Joe Schmo Show’. Doug: Hey Alasdair. Alasdair: Yes Douglas? Doug:
Who would win in ‘Dog Eat Dog’? Vanessa or Lisa? Alasdair:
Douglas… Hide!! ---------- Dungeon Nasti: Well, Alasdair, the results are finally in. Alasdair: What are you talking about? Nasti: Well, you know all the torture we put you through the past few months? Alasdair: You mean the rack, and having acid poured on me several times? Nasti: Yes, well, we had a hidden camera installed to catch it all on tape. We then showed it to the public and asked them if we should let you go. Alasdair: Yes, finally… blue skies, Barthy Burgers, girls, girls, girls! Nasti: Well, Alasdair, you’re not free yet. The public was given a choice of you or Hodgkins. Alasdair: They can’t possibly vote for Hodgkins, he’s a skeleton. Nasti: Well, we shall see. And the winner of ‘The Nasty Dungeon Keeper’ (that’s me by the way), is… [he opens the envelope] Hodgkins! Well Hodgkins, it’s time for you to go free! [amongst Alasdair’s comments like “wait” or “you can’t do this”, Nasti unlocks the shackles and takes Hodgkins off the set.] ---------- At
Home (Living Room) Alasdair: WOW! Look at this place. What happened? Valerie: Well dear, while you were at school today, we participated in the reality show ‘Trading Homes.’ So, we traded our old furniture and worn-out carpeting for this luxurious rug, and we finally got a great masterpiece that we can marvel at. Lance: And this new chair that I got is sooo comfortable. Alasdair: Wow! This is great! Now I can finally live in a place that doesn’t look like a dump all the time. I can admire the art, sit in Dad’s chair when he’s not here, and do my homework by candeli… wait a minute, who’s this? [Vanessa looks up and gives a little wave.] Valerie: Well, you see dear, the show is called ‘Trading Homes.’ So… we needed to trade everything we had to get all this. And that just so happened to include you. Lance, would you mind taking him to his new home? Lance: All right, Valerie. [He gets up and puts on his coat and hat.] Cmon kid, let’s go. Alasdair: [as his dad is ‘forcibly’ taking him out] Wait, you can’t do this. You’re my mom and dad. This can’t happen… ---------- Link
Set Ross: Now then [as he’s handing out paper and markers to everyone] as you know it’s time to vote off someone. On this paper, write down the name of the person you wanted voted off. Fold it and put it in the bucket. [They each take a few seconds and write down a name, stand up and put it in the bucket. Doug’s the last one to put it in.] Ross: Once the final vote is read, the decision is final and the person will be asked to leave the riser set immediately. I’ll now read the votes. [He takes out the first slip of paper and shows it to the kids…] Vanessa. Vanessa: What?!?! Who in the world did that? Doug: I don’t know Van… [he’s slimed] Ross: [next slip of paper…] Wait a minute, that can’t be right. My name is on here. Lisa: Yup. And I think barring any unforeseen votes [glares at the guys] that you have been voted off the show, Ross. Ross: [As he quickly looks at the other papers] No, this can’t be! How can I get voted off? I don’t know how… [he’s slimed] this could happen. Christine: Well Ross, you said “no one is immune to the vote” and we took that little reminder to heart. Well Ross, I’ve always wanted to say this to you: The kids have spoken. Please leave the riser area. [Amongst the cheers and making fun of Ross] Well, now that we have control of the show, I believe that this wraps up another episode. Thanks for watching. ---------- [Credits roll as people keep making fun of Ross and praising each other for their actions.] ---------- Announcer’s Booth Voice: You Can’t Do That on Television has been a ‘Mark Please Burn It’ production. [They show him now.] Wait, isn’t he the producer that did the ‘Survivor’ series? I tell you one thing, I certainly can’t survive by doing this show… [he realizes the camera’s on him] oh, wait… ---------- At
the Water Cooler Vanessa: Doug, was it you who tried to vote me out? Doug: Can’t tell you, Van. Vanessa: You can tell me, I won’t get mad at you if you did. Doug: Well then Vanessa, yes, it was me. Vanessa: Good! [Then she moves her hands out, and one of them is holding a pie, and she smacks it in his face.] Doug: [as he wipes the pie out of his eyes] What was that? I thought you said that you wouldn’t get mad. Vanessa: You’re right Dougie, I did say that. But I never said I wouldn’t get even. [She takes some pie from his face with her finger and licks it.] Mmm, good pie.
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Copyright © 1995-2006, The Slime Society
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