An
original YCDTOTV script written by Peter Butler
Copyright 1995, Peter Butler
PRE-EMPT
A PICTURE OF THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE WHEEL WITH VANNA WHITE IN FRONT
OF IT WITH PUTTING ON LIPSTICK.
ANNOUNCER
Wheel of Fortune will not be seen at this time because Vanna White
is putting on her makeup. In its place, we bring you the following
program, which desperately needs to be made up
LIVING ROOM
CHRISTINE AND LISA ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF A FULL FIGURE MIRROR.
CHRISTINE
Hey, Lisa, look what I bought - it's one of those vanity mirrors that
makes you look thin! Try it.
LISA
All right! I've always wanted one of these.
CHRISTINE (UNDER HER BREATH)
I can see why....
LISA STANDS IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR. IT MAKES HER LOOK THE SAME.
LISA
Moose, what is this? I don't look thinner!
CHRISTINE
Oh...well read the small print: makes most people look thin. Not valid
for Sumo Wrestlers, police chiefs or Lisa Ruddy!
CHRISTINE BURST WITH LAUGHTER.
BARTH'S
ALASDAIR AND LISA ARE SITTING, AND BARTH IS IN THE BACK, WEARING A
CLEAN SUIT AND HAS HIS HAIR COMBED NEATLY.
LISA
Alasdair, look over there. I think there's something very wrong with
old Barthie.
ALASDAIR
You're right, Lisa. Barth actually looks... well almost...clean! His
hair is combed, he's wearing a suit and tie.
BARTHS WALKS OVER AND GENTLY PLACES THEIR BURGERS IN FRONT OF THEM.
BARTH
Here you go kids, two Barthy deluxes.
LISA
Barth, what's going on here? you look so clean, and...these burgers...they
look almost normal!
BARTH
I have decided to pay more attention to my appearance, and now my
burgers are looking better too.
LISA AND ALASDAIR BOTH BITE INTO THEIR BURGERS.
BARTH
...on the outside. Of course, on the inside, that's a different story.
It's hard to get maggots, squirrel mucus and rat's heads to look pretty.
ALASDAIR AND LISA THROW UP.
LINK SET
CHRISTINE IS STANDING IN HER USUAL HOSTING POSITION.
CHRISTINE
Hi, and welcome to another good-looking episode of You Can't do that
on Television. Today's show is about Vanity, or caring too much about
your appearance.
CAMERA SHOWS ROSS AND CAMERA MEN IN FRONT OF SET LOOKING TOTALLY DISGUSTING
- SMELLING ARM- PITS, SHIRTLESS, DIRTY JEANS.
CHRISTINE
Of course on THIS show Vanity isn't too much of a problem...
PAULINE RUNS ON WITH MIRRORS, MAKE-UP, COMBS AND BRUSHES.
CHRISTINE
...most of the time. Pauline, what's with all the makeup?
PAULINE
I have a big date tonight and I want to look my BEST!
CHRISTINE
Well alright, but do you really need all that makeup and stuff? I
mean, you've got eyeliner, lipstick, eyeshadow, mascara, three different
shades of nail-polish.
PAULINE
And this one over here.
CHRISTINE
Oh yeah...the perfume... SHE PICKS IT UP AND READS THE LABEL ...Eau
de toilette.
CHRISTINE GETS WATERED, AND PAULINE SHRIEKS AND MOVES OUT OF THE WAY
TO AVOID GETTING HIT.
PAULINE
Moose! Be careful! If that wa...wet stuff had hit me, it would have
made my mascara run! If you want to get yourself wet be my guest,
but don't do it near me!
CHRISTINE (LAUGHING)
You said "wet"! Now you're going to get water dumped on you.
CHRISTINE GETS WATERED AGAIN.
ROSS (OFFSTAGE, LAUGHING)
Moose! You forgot. The word "wet" hasn't triggered the wet stuff for
that last two years!
CHRISTINE SITS THERE WITH A DISGUSTED LOOK.
FIRING SQUAD
ALASDAIR IS AT THE POST.
CAPITANO
Ready! Aim!
ALASDAIR
Wait a minute, wait a minute, stop the execution!
CAPITANO
What is it this time?
ALASDAIR
Well, if I'm going to be shot, don't you think I should look my best?
I mean, with an open coffin, and all the pictures people are bound
to take at my funeral.
CAPITANO
All right, all right. Amigos, coffee break...
THERE ARE MUMBLES FROM THE AMIGOS.
CAPITANO
So, kid, what have you got?
ALASDAIR REACHES BEHIND THE POST AND PULLS OUT A BAG.
ALASDAIR
Well, I've got blush....
CAPITANO (LAUGHING)
The kid has blush! hahah
THE AMIGOS LAUGHS AND CAPITANO CUTS THEM OFF.
ALASDAIR
...and I have cologne.
CAPITANO (LAUGHING HARDER)
hahah! Here, give me this. This is going to be funny! It says "Stallion
musk. For the..m.." I can't read this.
ALASDAIR
Step over here, where the light is better.
CAPITANO STEPS IN FRONT OF ALASDAIR.
CAPITANO
Ah yes....it says "For the man in you". hahaha Listen to this amigos,
this little kid thinks he's got a man in him!
THE AMIGOS LAUGH AND CAPITANO CUTS THEM OFF. HE CONTINUES TO READ.
CAPITANO
"Guaranteed to set your girlfriend's heart on fire."
CAPITANO IS SHOT AND COLLAPSES TO HIS KNEES.
CAPITANO
That is one sneaky kid!
CAPITANO FALLS COMPLETELY.
ALASDAIR
Aww, you broke my bottle of cologne! Now I'm not going to be smelling
my best for the funeral. Thanks a lot.
DETENTION
JUSTIN IS SITTING IN THE DESK AND THE PRINCIPAL IS STANDING IN FRONT
OF HIM.
PRINCIPAL
Now Justin, for your detention I want you to finish the homework that
you didn't do yesterday.
JUSTIN
But Sir, it was art homework! I had to paint a picture of a dignified
and respected man.
PRINCIPAL
Well so? Get to it! You can paint from memory can't you?
JUSTIN
Well yes, I COULD, but.....sir, that face of yours, it just suggests
an air of... sophistication, dignity, sir, could I please paint your
picture?
PRINCIPAL
Why, yes, Justin, thank you very much. Where do you want me to stand?
JUSTING (POINTING)
How about there, facing away from the door.
PRINCIPAL (FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS)
Like this?
JUSTIN
No, turn further to your right..there, that's it! Now, chin high,
chest out, eyes closed...that's great, sir.
JUSTIN GETS UP AND RUNS TO THE DOOR AS THE PRINCIPAL IS STILL BASKING
IN THE GLORY OF BEING THE ARTIST'S MODEL.
JUSTIN
Sometimes it's so easy, I'm ashamed of myself!
LINK SET
CHRISTINE AND PAULINE ARE SITTING.
CHRISTINE
Pauline, where's all your makeup?
PAULINE
I've decided to renounce makeup. I'm going to live a wholesome life,
without worrying about my appearance.
ROS RUNS ON COMBING HIS HAIR.
ROSS
Oh, Pauline, then can I have it? I've been meaning to pay a little
more attention to my appearance myself.
CHRISTINE
Wait a second. If Pauline doesn't care about looking good, and ROSS
wants to use her beauty products...then this must be, this has gotta
be...
INTRO-OPPOSITE SKETCHES
LIVING ROOM
MOM AND LISA ARE STANDING, IMPATIENTLY.
MOM (YELLING)
Lance! Get down here right away, we have to leave!
DAD (OFFSTAGE)
But Valerie, I'm doing my hair. I'll be down soon.
MOM
That's what they all say! Lisa, there's something you have to understand
about men. You see, us women can just throw on any old thing and we
look good right away, right?
LISA
Well, yeah, you've gotta admit.
MOM
But for men, it's different. They have to do their hair, and put on
their makeup and it takes hours and hours and hours. LANCE! Are you
ready yet?
DAD (OFFSTAGE)
One second Valerie, I haven't finished doing my nails yet.
MOM
See what I mean?
DUNGEON
ALASDAIR IS CHAINED TO THE WALLS AND NASTI WALKS IN WHISTLING.
NASTI
So, Alasdair, to get you prepared for tonight I want you to take a
shower, get your hair done professionally, and put on some cologne!
And you're getting a brand-new wardrobe!
ALASDAIR
No! Please, anything but that! I like being in this green and slimy
dungeon all day long, not being able to clean myself for up to two
years at a time, and smelling like horse manure! Please don't make
me look NICE!
NASTI
Sorry, Alasdair, but you have to...Oh, sorry, did I spit in your face?
Here, let me wipe it off. As I said, you have to look your best because
tonight you are going to a party with lots of girls and...
ALASDAIR
No! Not girls! Please, no! Keep me here! I'll let you torture me,
boil me in oil, anything you want, just don't make me go to a party!
NASTI
Sorry, Alasdair, but you're...
OPPOSITES END
NASTI (SPITTING)
...actually come to think of it, I think that for this one time, and
this time only, I'll let you have it your way. No shower, no new clothes,
and NO GIRLSSSSS!
ALASDAIR
Gee, I guess the opposites must be over!
LINK SET
JUSTIN AND PAULINE ARE SITTING, AND PAULINE IS IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR
AGAIN, PUTTING ON MORE MAKE-UP. THIS TIME SHE HAS SIX BAGS OF CLOTHES
SCATTERED ABOUT ALSO.
JUSTIN
Pauline! What's all that stuff?
PAULINE
It's clothes I bought for my big date tonight!
JUSTIN
But Pauline, you've got 6 bags here!
CHRISTINE (OFF SET)
One bag is an outfit for her, and the rest of the bags contain an
outfit for Lisa Ruddy!
LISA (ALSO OFF SET)
I heard that Moose, and I'll have you know that I'm not at all fat,
in fact I'm quite...
JUSTIN AND PAULINE IGNORE THEIR BICKERING AND CONTINUE WITH THE LINK.
PAULINE
Actually, I just like to keep my options open. If I find that I don't
want to wear the green dress, I'll put on the blue slacks and blouse,
and if I don't like that, then I'll put on...well which outfit do
you like best, Justin?
JUSTIN
I don...
PAULINE (INTERRUPTING)
Wait a second, Justin, can you hand me my bag?
JUSTIN HANDS HER THE BAG NEAR HIM.
PAULINE
Thanks. Now sorry, what were you saying?
JUSTIN
Umm, well I was just saying that I don't know which outfit you should
wear, because I'm not really an...
JUSTIN IS SLIMED, AND PAULINE AND HER BAGS ARE UNTOUCHED BY THE SLIME.
JUSTIN
You did that on purpose, didn't you?
PAULINE
Me? Of course not, I'm too busy preparing for my date tonight to think
about that kind of stuff. I have to go get changed. Oh, and try to
take a shower, you really don't look very good in green.
LOCKER JOKES
CHRISTINE
Hey Pauline?
PAULINE
Yes Moose?
CHRISTINE
Did you know that Lisa is very vain?
PAULINE
Lisa? How so?
CHRISTINE
Well, they say that vain people have really BIG egos, and since Lisa's
so big, she...
LISA
Can it, Moose! That wasn't even funny. Hey Alasdair?
ALASDAIR
Yes, Lisa?
LISA
What does the word vanity mean?
ALASDAIR
Well, vanity means being really hung up on your good looks.
LISA
Oh, good. So Moose is in no danger of becoming vain!
CHRISTINE
Haw haw, Ruddy. Hey Justin?
JUSTIN
Yes, Moose?
CHRISTINE
My sister is so vain that she carries a mirror around with her wherever
she goes!
JUSTIN
That's nothing, my sister is so vain that she had her bedroom walls
lined with mirrors so that she could see herself whenever she was
in her room!
PAULINE
That's nothing, MY sister is so vain that she had her bedroom ceiling
lined with mirrors so that she could see herself while she was trying
to go to sleep!
ALASDAIR
That's nothing! My sister is so vain that she had the insides of her
eyelids lined with mirrors so that she could see herself while she
was asleep!
LISA
That's STILL nothing! My sister told me that she wants her coffin
lined with mirrors, so that she can...
CHRISTINE (INTERRUPTING)
Oh, could we stop this please? This is getting ridiculous! Her coffin,
Lisa? That's just surpassing the level of good taste...
LISA
I think that on THIS show we surpassed the level of good taste long
ago.
CHRISTINE
Yeah, like 1981.
CLASSROOM
SIX KIDS ARE IN THE DESKS, AND THE TEACHER HAS JUST WRITTEN THE WORD
"VENITTEEY" ON THE BOARD.
TEACHER
Class! Class! Who can tell me the meaning of the word Vanity?
JUSTIN
Oh! Sir! I know! Vanity is when you like driving vans instead of cars!
TEACHER
Excellent try, Justin, but no, you are wrong. Not even close.
PAULINE IS AT HER DESK, PUTTING ON LIPSTICK IN FRONT OF A MIRROR.
TEACHER
Pauline! Pauline, pay attention! Can you tell me what vanity is?
PAULINE
No I can't, sir, and besides, stop bothering me. I'm trying to adjust
my makeup. I have a really big date tonight. Oh, does anyone have
any eyeliner I could use?
TEACHER
Pauline, now don't you think that that illustrates vanity perfectly?
PAULINE
Illustrates what? Besides, sir, can you be quiet, I'm trying to fix
my makeup!
TEACHER
WHERE does the school board get them and WHY do they keep sending
them to me?
DOCTOR'S OFFICE
CHRISTINE IS SITTING IN THE PATIENT'S CHAIR, AND THE DOCTOR IS BEHIND
THE DESK.
CHRISTINE
Doctor, you've got to help me! I have a problem being vain.
DOCTOR
Vain!?!? That's very serious. I'll have to take blood tests, plasma
samples, you'll have to fill out these forms, we might have to go
in for surgery...
CHRISTINE
No, doctor, you don't understand: I don't have a problem with my vain,
I have a problem being vain!
DOCTOR
Oh! Sorry. Well, usually there's no cure for vanity, but I think you
may be an exception.
CHRISTINE
Really? That's great! So what's the cure?
DOCTOR
Vanity means thinking that you're really good- looking. Just...carry
around a pocket mirror. Here's one now. hahaha
CHRISTINE IS SO FLABBERGASTED THAT SHE CANNOT SPEAK.
DOCTOR
Fifty bucks. And an extra hundred for the mirror.
LINK SET
EVERYONE BUT PAULINE IS STANDING, READY TO CLOSE THE SHOW.
CHRISTINE
Well, that's it for this episode of You Can't do that on Television.
LISA
And am I ever glad it's over. If I have to listen to one more of Moose's
fat jokes, I'm just going to...
PAULINE WALKS ON. HER HAIR AND MAKE-UP ARE DONE PERFECTLY, AND SHE
IS WEARING A REALLY NICE OUTFIT WITH HIGH HEELS.
CHRISTINE
Pauline! You're finally ready! I've got to admit, you look great!
PAULINE
Thanks Moose. I'm meeting my date in half an hour, so I still have
another twenty minutes before I have to leave. Guys, I've gotta thank
you for helping me get ready, this date is really important to me.
EVERYONE (EXCEPT JUSTIN)
Oh, no problem.
JUSTIN (DRYLY)
Yeah...no problem....
ALASDAIR
But Pauline, what are you going to do until you leave in 20 minutes?
PAULINE
I don't know, I guess I could g...
PAULINE IS SLIMED WITH A NICE LONG SLIMING.
CHRISTINE
Well, Pauline, I guess you don't have any problem finding things to
do with the time anymore.
THE KIDS ALL LAUGH AT HER AS TOWELS ARE TOSSED IN.
ROLL CREDITS
PRODUCTION CREDIT
THE YOU CAN'T DO THAT ON TELEVISION LOGO SUPER IMPOSED OVER THE BACKDROP
OF THE LINK SET.
ANNOUNCER (OVER)
You Can't do that on Television has been a good-looking production.
ANNOUNCER'S BOOTH
ANNOUNCER
Who are we trying to kid, everyone knows this show has always been
ugly. In fact the only thing uglier than this show is that dog of
a wife the producer has. har har har...what? The producer's watching?....the
producer's wife...is watching......
BACKSTAGE
ALASDAIR IS AT THE COFFEE MAKER, AND PAULINE WALKS IN, WEARING A NEW
OUTFIT, AND HER HAIR AND MAKEUP ARE DONE AGAIN. SHE IS IN A HURRY.
PAULINE
I'm ready! I was supposed to meet my date 5 minutes ago, so if I leave
now I'll be 15 minutes late, and he should still be there. But any
later and he'll have left for sure.
ALASDAIR
Yeah, but Pauline, you just missed the last bus by three minutes.
You'll have to find another way to get there.
PAULINE
But how?
ALASDAIR
Well, if you go out the back door and down the street, you can take
the footbridge across the river and, if you walk fast, get to the
restaurant in less than 10 minutes.
PAULINE
You mean it would actually be faster to cross the water on foot?
PAULINE IS WATERED, AND ALASDAIR IS LAUGHING. AFTER PAULINE IS DRENCHED,
SHE SAYS NOTHING. SHE DROPS HER PURSE, TAKES OFFHER HEELS, AND STORMS
BACK TOWARDS HER DRESSING ROOM.
