A previously-aired
YCDTOTV script
Robert Black, a writer from the 1985-1986 YCDTOTV season, was kind
enough to send us a copy of his "Wildlife and Animals" script which
originally broadcasted on October 22, 1985.
Copyright 1985, Robert Black
PRE-EMPT
A GRAPHIC OF SOME ANIMALS AND THE NAME "WILD, WILD KINGDOM."
ANNOUNCER (OVER)
"Wild, Wild Kingdom" will not be seen at this time. In its place,
we present a program in which people behave like animals.
JUNGLE SET (LOST)
ALASDAIR AND LISA ARE WALKING THROUGH THE JUNGLE.
LISA
Alasdair, we've been wandering around this jungle for hours. I think
we're lost.
ALASDAIR
Just relax, Lisa. Don't panic.
LISA
Alasdair, we're in the middle of the jungle, surrounded by man-eating
lions and tigers, swamps, quicksand, and creepy bugs. I started panicking
a long time ago. Now I'm ready to scream!
JUST AS SHE PREPARES
TO SCREAM, A TARZAN YELL IS HEARD OFFSTAGE, FOLLOWED BY A LOUD COUGHING.
LISA AND ALASDAIR LOOK UP AS IF A MAN SWINGING ON A VINE HAD JUST
FLOWN OVER THEM. A CRASH IS HEARD OFFSTAGE IN THE DIRECTION THE KIDS
ARE LOOKING. LES STUMBLES IN, DRESSED AS A JUNGLE MAN, "JOLK OF THE
JUNGLE."
JOLK
Me Jolk of Jungle. King of beasts. Ruler of Reptiles. Student who
fail English class.
LISA
Really? We need help. Can you get us out of here?
JOLK
No problem.
ALASDAIR
How are you going to get us out? Call a herd of elephants for us to
ride on?
JOLK
No.
LISA
Oh, well, then, are you going to call down some giant eagles to carry
us to safety?
JOLK.
No.
ALASDAIR
Well, how are you going to get us out?
JOLK
Jolk call cab!
HE PUTS HIS FINGER
TO HIS MOUTH AND WHISTLES.
JOLK
Taxi!
WE HEAR THE SCREECH
OF A CAB PULLING UP OFFSCREEN. THE KIDS LOOK AT IT CURIOUSLY.
DINING ROOM (EATING)
MOM, DAD, AND VANESSA ARE EATING AT THE DINNER TABLE.
VANESSA
I love animals.
DAD
Aw, just like your mother. You know, when I met her, she was just
wild about dogs and cats and...
MOM
I still am an animal lover, Lace.
VANESSA
You are?
MOM
Well, of course, dear. How else could I love your father? Every day
he comes home from work hungry as a bear, and then eats like a pig
until he stuffs himself like a turkey!
VANESSA AND MOM
LAUGH.
DAD
Vanessa! Don't encourage your mother.
LINK SET (INTRO)
CHRISTINE AND ALASDAIR ARE STANDING, READY TO START THE SHOW.
ALASDAIR
Hi, and welcome to another episode of "You Can't Do That On Television"...
CHRISTINE
...the show that should probably be caged up right away.
ALASDAIR
Today's show is about wildlife, that large number of beasts that share
this Earth with us...
CHRISTINE
...even though there are probably times when they don't want to....
SHE IS INTERRUPTED
BY LOUD MUSIC OFFSTAGE. LISA ENTERS, DRESSED UP LIKE CYNDI LAUPER
AND CARRYING A BIG JAM BOX THAT IS PLAYING A ROCK AND ROLL SONG. SHE
BOPS UP TO ALASDAIR AND CHRISTINE.
CHRISTINE
What is this?
ALASDAIR
Lisa, what are you doing?
LISA
I'm just getting into the right mood for the show.
CHRISTINE
What?
LISA
Well, I looked at the production schedule and saw that today's topic
was "wildlife," so I figured this is about as wild as you can get!
ALASDAIR TAKES
THE JAM BOX AND TURNS IT OFF.
ALASDAIR
No, Lisa, not that kind of wildlife! This show's about animals and
birds and fish. you know, stuff like that.
LISA
It is?
ALASDAIR
Yes!
LISA
Oh, well I'm glad I didn't try to get in the mood for that. Can you
imagine me in a chicken suit or something?
CHRISTINE
No, I can't.
LISA
Good.
ALASDAIR
A pig suit or a dog suit maybe, but a chicken...?
LISA SOCKS ALASDAIR
ON THE JAW, KNOCKING HIM TO THE FLOOR.
FIRING SQUAD
(HUNTING)
ALASDAIR IS AT THE POST
CAPITANO
All right, kid, you're not going to get away this time. We're ready
for you.
ALASDAIR
Really? Why is that?
CAPITANO
Because we spent the entire weekend out in the woods hunting. Now
we have lots of practice shooting things!
ALASDAIR
You went hunting? Oh, you're more cruel and heartless than I thought.
How could you enjoy going out in the woods and shooting all those
poor, defenseless animals?
CAPITANO
The same way I can enjoy shooting you.
ALASDAIR
Well, how could all those amigos go out into the woods and hunt? Wouldn't
that be dangerous? I mean, how did you keep from shooting each other?
CAPITANO
Well, we did have a little trouble, but everyone will be out of the
hospital next week.
ALASDAIR
That's good.
CAPITANO
Most of the time we had a system. Whenever someone would see a large
animal, he would give a bird call, and all the amigos would look for
the animal and shoot it.
ALASDAIR
I see. So if you were a big animal, all I would have to do is this....
HE GIVES A BIRD
CALL. SHOTS RING OUT, AND THE CAPITANO BEGINS TO KEEL OVER. ALASDAIR
Hmmm, not a bad system.
BARTH'S (RACOONS)
EUGENE IS EATING (OR TRYING TO). VANESSA WALKS IN, LOOKING RATHER
TIRED.
EUGENE
Hi, Vanessa. How's everything at your house today?
VANESSA
Not too good. Some raccoons moved into our chimney. They're making
so much noise, and my Dad doesn't know how to get rid of them.
BARTH WALKS UP
TO THEM.
BARTH
Raccoons in your chimney? I have raccoons climb into the chimneys
of my ovens all the time. I think they must like the food.
EUGENE
Yeah, well you know how raccoons like garbage.
BARTH
Very funny.
VANESSA
Well, Barth, how do you get rid of them?
BARTH
It's simple. I just light the oven and let the heat do the rest.
VANESSA
Oh, you mean the heat forces them to move out?
EUGENE
No, the heat cooks them. What do you think's in the burgers?
BARTH
There are no raccoons in my burgers! Skunks, maybe, but no raccoons.
EUGENE, WHO HAD
STARTED TO BITE INTO HIS BURGER, SUDDENLY CHANGES HIS MIND AND SPITS
IT OUT.
DUNGEON (MAZE)
NASTI WALKS UP TO ALASDAIR AS USUAL.
NASTI
Good news, Alasdair! You're going to be released from here for a while.
ALASDAIR
Oh, great! Just think, blue skies, Barfy burgers, girls!
NASTI
Wait a minute. It's not that simple.
ALASDAIR
Uh, oh. What do I have to do this time?
NASTI
Well, you know all those experiments they do with mice running in
mazes?
ALASDAIR
Sure
NASTI
Well, around here, we put our animals in minefields instead...and
for some strange reason, we've run out of animals.
ALASDAIR
Imagine that. I suppose you want to use me instead, right?
NASTI
Right! But look on the bright side. If you're no good as a mouse,
at least you'll see what it's like to be a bird!
LINKS SET (ATTRACTIVE)
CHRISTINE AND LISA ARE SITTING, WITH LISA DRESSED WILDLY AS BEFORE.
LISA
You know, Christine, it's kind of fun being dressed up like this.
I think I'll stay this way.
CHRISTINE
I wouldn't if I were you, Lisa. You look pretty stupid.
EUGENE AND VANESSA
WALK UP TO THEM.
VANESSA
Hey, Eugene, look at Lisa!
EUGENE
Yeah, what an outfit. I guess you're trying to fit in with this "wildlife"
show, right?
LISA
Of course. Can't you tell?
VANESSA
I think it's great. You look real attractive
LISA
Well, thank you.
VANESSA
What animal are you trying to attract?
EUGENE
Don't be sill, Vanessa. She's attracting peacocks!
VANESSA
Peacocks? You're so dumb, Eugene. I thought she was attracting ostriches!
EUGENE
No, no. It's got to be loons!
VANESSA
No, no, no...
THEY WALK OFF
ARGUING.
KITCHEN (MOUSE)
MOM IS COOKING IN THE KITCHEN. VANESSA WALKS IN CARRYING A TEST TUBE
RACK.
VANESSA
Look, Mom, here's my science experiment. It's a special formula to
change people into mice!
MOM
That's nice, dear.
VANESSA
I hope my teacher likes it. I'm not even sure if it works yet. Do
you know how I can find out?
MOM
Why don't you go ask your father, dear? He's not as busy as I am right
now.
VANESSA
All right.
VANESSA WALKS
OUT WITH THE TEST TUBES. AFTER A MOMENT, THERE IS THE SOUND OF AN
EXPLOSION AND SMOKE POURS THROUGH THE DOOR.
MOM
Vanessa, don't make a mess, dear. It's almost dinner time.
VANESSA WALKS
BACK IN.
VANESSA
It didn't work, Mom. Dad only changed half-way into a mouse.
MOM
Oh, I'm sorry dear.
SHE CONTINUES
WHAT SHE IS DOING FOR A MOMENT, THEN DROPS EVERYTHING.
MOM
He only did what? Lance!
SHE RUNS TOWARD
THE DOOR. DAD WALKS IN, WITH WHISKERS AND MOUSE EARS.
DAD (MICKEY MOUSE
VOICE)
Hey, Valerie, have we got any cheese?
____________________________________________
JUNGLE SET (CALLS)
EUGENE AND VANESSA ARE WALKING IN THE JUNGLE. SUDDENLY, THERE IS A
TARZAN YELL FOLLOWED BY COUGHING AND CRASHING. LES ENTERS, DRESSED
AS JOLK OF THE JUNGLE AS BEFORE.
JOLK
Me Jolk of Jungle. King of Beasts...
VANESSA
Yeah, yeah, we've heard all that.
JOLK CLAMPS HIS
HAND OVER VANESSA'S MOUTH AND CONTINUES.
JOLK
Ruler of Reptiles. Student who fail English class.
EUGENE
We need to ask you a favor.
JOLK
Name it, small one.
VANESSA
We're looking for an animal to bring to biology class tomorrow.
JOLK
No problem. Me call wild African jungle skunk. Sure to make scents
in class. Ha ha.
EUGENE
Never mind the humor, could you just please call one?
JOLK GIVE OUT
ANOTHER TARZAN YELL. AFTER A MOMENT, LISA AND ALASDAIR WALK IN, DRESSED
AS PUNKS.
ALASDAIR
Hey, man, what's happening?
LISA
Yeah, like this isn't cool.
VANESSA
What is this?
JOLK
Jolk make mistake. Call punks instead of skunks.
EUGENE
Oh, terrific.
ALASDAIR
Hey, be mellow, man. You're giving me bad vibes.
CAMP CABIN
EUGENE AND ALASDAIR ARE IN THE CABIN WITH THE CAMP LEADER.
CAMP LEADER
So, you kids thought it would be funny to put a porcupine in my sleeping
bag, eh?
ALASDAIR
Well, you see, sir, since we've come to this camp, we've learned to
love the animals around here.
EUGENE
Yeah, and we wanted to share some of those animals with you.
CAMP LEADER
You like animals? Well, I think I can give you a chance to see a lot
of them.
EUGENE
Really? How can we do that?
CAMP LEADER
By going on a thirty-mile march through the woods! There are a lot
of animals out there, so you should be very happy. Now get ready,
boys, you leave in five minutes. And remember not to feed the bears
while you're out there.
HE WALKS OUT,
CHUCKLING TO HIMSELF.
LINK SET (OP-INTRO)
LISA SITS ON THE SET, DRESSED AS BEFORE AND READING A BOOK. CHRISTINE
WALKS UP TO HER.
CHRISTINE
Hey, Lisa, what's that you're reading?
LISA
"Walden" by Henry David Thoreau.
CHRISTINE
Gee, you're really living it up, Lisa!
LISA
I know, isn't that great? Later on, I'm going to do my laundry, talk
to my plants, and feed my pet hamster. This wild life is terrific.
CHRISTINE
Lisa, you can't really think that sort of stuff is "the wild life."
LISA
Sure I can. Don't you think it's exciting?
CHRISTINE
No, it's just the opposite of what I'd call exciting.
LISA
Just the opposite? Then this must be the introduction to the opposite
sketches.
CHRISTINE
Must be.
INTRO-OPPOSITE
SKETCHES
SCHOOL BUS (OPPOSITE)
THE BUS IS STOPPED. VANESSA LEANS FORWARD FROM THE FIRST SEAT TO TALK
TO SNAKE EYES.
VANESSA
Snake Eyes, why are we stopped?
SNAKE EYES
There's a little skunk crossing the road, Vanessa. I didn't want to
hit it.
VANESS
Why not? Who cares about a stupid old skunk? You're kind of the road!
Show those animals who's boss!
SNAKE EYES STARTS
THE BUS MOVING AGAIN.
SNAKE EYES
Oh, no, I couldn't do that. It would be inhuman!
VANESSA
No, it wouldn't! Look, there's a chipmunk. Smash its brains out!
SNAKE EYES
Oh, no. I can't!
VANESSA
You're such a wimp.
HALLWAY (OPPOSITE)
ALASDAIR STANDS IN FRONT OF A TABLE IN THE HALLWAY. HE GRABS CHRISTINE
AS SHE WALKS BY.
ALASDAIR
Christine, would you like to sign my petition to same an endangered
species?
CHRISTINE
Save an endangered species? Who wants to do that? Who cares about
whales, or little baby seals, or bald eagles? They don't have any
value in the world.
ALASDAIR
Christine, this endangered species is different.
CHRISTINE
Oh, really? What is it?
ALASDAIR
It's the mosquito!
PULL BACK TO
REVEAL A SIGN ON THE TABLE, READING "SAVE THE MOSQUITO".
CHRISTINE
The mosquito? Now there's a species with real value and purpose! Okay,
I'll sign.
CHRISTINE GOES
TO SIGN
ALASDAIR
Who else wants to save the mosquito? There aren't too many left, you
know.
LISA AND VANESSA
RUN IN AND SIGN ALSO.
CAMP-OUT SET
(OPPOSITE)
ALASDAIR AND EUGENE ARE TOASTING MARSHMALLOWS AS THE CAMP LEADER TALKS
TO THEM.
CAMP LEADER
Men, tomorrow we're going to visit the nesting site of the great California
condor, the rarest bird in North America. There are only twelve of
them left, and this is their only known nest. It's a great honor to
visit it.
HE TAKES OUT
A PAIR OF SHOTGUNS AND HANDS THEM TO THE BOYS.
CAMP LEADER
So clean your guns tonight, and in the morning, when you get a bead
on one of those birds, make sure you don't miss. You'll probably never
get another chance.
CLASSROOM (OPPOSITE)
ALASDIAR IS SITTING ON A STOOL NEXT TO THE TEACHER'S DESK. LISA IS
SITTING AT A DESK IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM. ANIMALS ARE AT THE OTHER
DESKS AND AT THE TEACHER'S DESK (SMALL, EASY TO MANAGE ONES LIKE RABBITS
AND STUFF). ALL THE VOICES FOR THE ANIMALS ARE DUBBED IN BY THE APPROPRIATE
PEOPLE.
TEACHER (VOICE-OVER)
Class, we have something really special today. This is a real, live
human being.
EUGENE (VOICE-OVER)
Ooooh ahhhh! Can I pet it, please?
CHRISTINE (VOICE-OVER)
Be careful! It might bite you.
VANESSA (VOICE-OVER)
I don't like it, it's too creepy looking!
LISA
Now wait just a minute. How come everyone else is an animal and I'm
just myself?
ALASDAIR
I'm sorry, Lisa, I guess the casting department got confused and thought
you were an animal, too. I can see how they would do that with your
rhinoceros-sized hips and....
LISA
All right, Alasdair, you just stop right there....
JUNGLE SET (OPPOSITE)
EUGENE AND VANESSA ARE IN THE JUNGLE. THE CAMP LEADER WALKS UP AND
BLOWS HIS WHISTLE AT THEM.
CAMP LEADER
Now see here! What are you doing in this jungle?
EUGENE
We're just walking through it, sir.
CAMP LEADER
Just as I thought! You're walking through here, not messing up the
natural beauty, and you're not even feeding the animals!
VANESSA
We're sorry, sir
CAMP LEADER
Well, sorry isn't good enough. Here....
HE PULLS OUT
A LARGE CHUNK OF MEAT.
CAMP LEADER
...go feed that leopard over there.
EUGENE
Oh, but sir....
VANESSA AND EUGENE
TAKE THE MEANT AND WALK OFFSTAGE. THE CAMP LEADER WATCHES THEM. THERE
IS A GROWLING NOISE, FOLLOWED BY EATING SOUNDS AND FINALL A BURP.
END OF OPPOSITE
SKETCHES.
LINK SET (DOG)
CHRISTINE AND LISA ARE ON THE SET, WITH LISA STILL DRESS WILDLY. VANESSA
RUNS UP TO THEM.
VANESSA
Moose! Lisa! We need some help!
CHRISTINE
Why? What's wrong, Vanessa?
VANESSA
It's Alasdair. He's been acting strangely ever since Lisa hit him
on the head.
ALASDAIR CRAWLS
ON THE SET, ON THE SIDE CLOSEST TO LISA, SNIFFING AROUND AND BARKING.
VANESSA He thinks
he's a dog!
ALASDAIR CRAWLS
UP TO LISA, INSPECTS HER, AND GROWLS. HE MOVES OVER TO CHRISTINE,
INSPECTS HER, AND SITS UP IN A "BEG" POSE.
CHRISTINE
Oh, great, he likes me!
LISA
Well, I guess it takes one dog to like another.
BARTH'S (ENDANGERED)
THE KIDS ARE EATING. LISA IS READING A BOOK.
VANESSA
What's that you're reading, Lisa?
LISA
It's a book about endangered species of the world.
VANESSA
About what?
LISA
You know, all the different animals that might die out soon because
man has killed most of them.
ALASDAIR
You know, soon they're going to have to add cats to that list.
VANESSA
You mean big cats like lions and tigers?
ALASDAIR
No, I mean little cats like tabbies and tomcats.
VANESSA No way.
ALASDAIR
Haven't you heard. Barth has franchised his burgeries, and they're
going to be all over the world. Soon no cat will be safe!
BARTH WALKS UP
WITH A PAIR OF BURGERS, WHICH HE GIVES TO THE GIRLS.
BARTH
There's you burger, Lisa, and there's yours, Vanessa. Alasdair, I'm
afraid your burger's still trying to catch a mouse.
LIBRARY (TAMING)
THE LIBRARIAN IS AT HER DESK. ALASDAIR RUSHES IN, PUFFING AND PANTING.
ALASDAIR
Excuse me, Miss, do you have any books on lion taming?
LIBRARIAN
Lion taming? Hmm, let me see. I have to be sure, you know, because
if I told you we did and we didn't, then I'd be lyin'. Get it?
ALASDAIR
Never mind the humor. Could you just look quickly please?
LIBRARIAN
Very well. Lion taming. Hmmm.....
SHE LOOKS THROUGH
THE CARD FILE. ALASDAIR CONTINUES TO LOOK BACK NERVOUSLY.
ALASDAIR
Please hurry!
LIBRARIAN
Be patient, you man. Ah! Here it is. Go to stack ten, shelf number
three.
ALASDAIR
Fine! Send him there!
HE POINTS BEHIND
HIMSELF, THEN RUSHES OUT. A LION ROARING IS HEARD FROM OFFSTAGE.
LIBRARIAN
You there! No noise in this library!
LINK SET (SLIME)
CHRISTINE AND VANESSA ARE SITTING TOGETHER.
VANESSA
Christine, we've got to do something! Alasdair can't go through life
thinking he's a dog.
CHRISTINE
I know.
VANESSA
We've got to think of something fast! Ross is about to send Alasdair
to the pound for chewing up his favorite shoes.
CHRISTINE
Vanessa, what do I look like, a doctor? I can't think of a way to
cure him. What about you? Can you think of a way?
VANESSA
Me? Don't look at me. I don't know how to cure him.
VANESSA GETS
SLIMED.
VANESSA
I can't even cure myself from saying "I don't know".
SHE GETS IT AGAIN.
VANESSA
See?
DOCTOR'S OFFICE
THE DOCTOR IS BUSILY EXAMINING ALASDAIR, WHO STILL THINK'S HE'S A
DOG. CHRISTINE STANDS OFF TO THE SIDE, WATCHING.
DOCTOR
Hmmmmm, this is very interesting, Christine.
CHRISTINE
Can you do anything for him, Doctor?
DOCTOR
Well, this usually isn't my field, but....
HE WRITE OUT
A PRESCRIPTION.
DOCTOR
He needs his rabies shots and distemper shots, and he needs to get
his tags renewed. And take this prescription and get him some high-protein
food to make his coat glossier.
CHRISTINE
What? Doctor, I don't want to keep him as a dog. I want to know how
to change him back to a person.
DOCTOR
Oh. Sorry, you'll have to go see a psychiatrist. That will be one
hundred dollars, pay the nurse on the way out.
CHRISTINE STARTS
TO TAKE ALASDAIR OUT
DOCTOR
And next time, bring him on a leash.
BARTH'S (DISSECTION)
VANESSA AND EUGENE ARE EATING. LISA HAS A PLATE OF FOOD INFRONT OF
HERE BUT SHE IS NOT EATING. BARTH IS WORKING ON THE KITCHEN.
VANESSA
Lisa, what's wrong?
LISA
Oh, I just don't feel like eating here today. I'm a little sick.
EUGENE
So? What else is new in this place?
BARTH
I heard that!
LISA
No, believe it or not, it's not the food. We were dissecting frogs
in science class today, and it upset my stomach.
BARTH
Oh, you're dissecting frogs, are you? I remember when I was in school.
We dissected all sorts of things. Frogs, worms, fish, rats. We even
dissected a shark once. Boy, I'll tell you, that was the best job
training I ever had.
HE PICKS UP A
PAN OF GUTS AND OTHER NASY THINGS AND SHOWS IT TO THE KIDS. THEY ALL
THROW UP.
LINK SET (MONKEY)
CHIRSTINE, LISA, AND ALASDAIR ARE ON THE SET. ALASDAIR STILLS ACTS
LIKE A DOG, WHILE LISA IS STILL DRESSES WILDLY.
CHRISTINE
Lisa, what are we going to do? We've got to change spot back into
a person.
LISA
Hey, I have an idea. Alasdair started acting like a dog after I hit
him. Maybe if we hit him again he'll change back.
CHRISTINE
It's worth a try. Go ahead.
LISA SOCKS ALASDAIR
ON THE JAW. ALASDAIR FALLS BACK.
LISA
Ow, that hurt.
CHRISTINE
Look, he's waking up.
ALASDAIR STIRS
AND SITS UP. HE LOOK AROUND.
LISA
Alasdair? Are you all right?
ALASDAIR STARTS
MAKING MONKEY-TYPE NOSES AND WALKING AROUND THE SET LIKE A MONKEY.
CHRISTINE
Oh, no! Now he think's he's a monkey... although for Alasdair, that's
almost normal.
ALASDAIR RUNS
OFF THE STAGE.
JUNGLE SET (CAT)
VANESSA AND LISA ARE WALKING THROUGH THE JUNGLE. SUDDENLY, THERE IS
(OF COURSE) A JUNGLE YELL FOLLOWED BY COUGHING AND CRASHING, AND LES
ENTERS AS JOLK OF THE JUNGLE AGAIN.
JOLK
Hi, kids. Me Jolk of Jungle. King of Beasts. Ruler of....
VANESSA
Yeah, yeah, we've heard that before.
JOLK CLAMPS HIS
HAND OVER VANESSA'S MOUTH AGAIN AND CONTINUES.
JOLK
Ruler of Reptiles. Student who flunk English class.
LISA
Um, do you think you could help us find our lost cat?
JOLK
No problem. Me call.
HE YELLS A LOUD
TARZAN CALL. HE IS ANSWERED BY A GROWL OFFSTAGE.
JOLK
See? Call work. There cat.
VANESSA
But it's a bit bigger one than we were looking for.
LISA
Yeah. I think we better be going. Bye!
THE GROWLING
GETS LOUDER AS THE GIRLS RUN AWAY. JOLK LOOKS UP AT THE TOWERING BEAST
APPROACHING FROM OFFSTAGE.
JOLK
Nice kitty.
LOCKER JOKES
EUGENE
Hey, Vanessa.
VANESSA
Yes, Eugene?
EUGENE
A group of lions is called a pride, and a group of wolves is called
a pack, but what do you call a group of skunks?
VANESSA
A big stink!
CHRISTINE
Hey, Eugene.
EUGENE
Yes, Christine?
CHRISTINE
A group of cattle is called a herd, and a group of sheep is called
a flock, but what would you call a group of porcupines?
EUGENE
A big prickle!
ALASDAIR
Hey, Lisa.
LISA
Yes, Alasdair?
ALASDAIR
I heard a rumor that Barth was going to have to move his business.
LISA
You did? How did we get so lucky?
ALASDAIR
He's running out of animals for his burger mixture. Some big dog has
started chasing all the cats out of the neighborhood.
LISA
Oh, I knew Christine would be good for something someday. Gee, Moose,
thanks.
CHRISTINE
Oh, Lisa.
LISA
Yes, Moosie?
CHRISTINE
How did you learn to act? Did you study acting, or did you learn from
watching other actors?
LISA
I learned from watching other actors.
CHRISTINE
That's what I thought. You know what they say, "Monkey see, monkey
do."
ALASDAIR
Hey, Vanessa.
VANESSA
Yes, Alasdair?
ALASDAIR
Did you know that elephants are so big that a herd of them can consume
several tons of food per day?
VANESSA
That sounds like Lisa and Christine at a all-you-can-eat restaurant.
LISA
All right, that does it.
CHRISTINE
Yeah, let's get her.
VANESSA CLOSES
HER LOCKER. CHRISTINE AND LISA WALK OVER, OPEN VANESSA'S LOCKER, AND
CLIMB IN. POUNDING AND SCREAMS COME FROM INSIDE.
DUNGEON (LESSON)
ALASDAIR IS CHAINED UP IN THE DUNGEON. NASTI WALKS UP TO HIM.
NASTI
Well, Alasdair, you've been locked up in here for three months now.
Have you learned your lesson yet?
ALASDAIR
Yeah, I guess so. I promise I'll never yell at my sister again.
NASTI
Yell at your sisters? You thought that was why you've been locked
up in here?
ALASDAIR
Well sure. You mean it isn't?
NASTI
No, no. You're supposed to be studying your biology lesson. Your teacher
sent you here to experience various forms of life. Look, there's all
kinds of good stuff here. Rats, mice, spiders, molds...hey, there's
a pretty nice fungus up there in your hand.
ALASDAIR
Oh, gross! This is disgusting! How could anyone do something like
this?
NASTI
If you don't like it, then I suggest you start studying. See you around.
LINK SET (CONTROLS)
CHRISTINE AND LISA ARE LOOKING UP ABOVE THEM.
CHRISTINE
Alasdair! Come down from that catwalk right now!
LISA
Yeah, Alasdair, come down please?
ROSS WALKS UP
TO THEM, CARRYING A BANANA.
ROSS
Alasdair, come on down. I have a nice banana for you.
CHRISTINE
Ross, will you be serious? Alasdair could get hurt up there.
ROSS
Hurt? He could break a lot of expensive equipment! Alasdair! Stay
away from those controls!
LISA
Hey, aren't those the switches that control the buckets of water?
LISA GETS WATERED.
ROSS
Yes. Right on cue, too.
CLASSROOM (BACKBONE)
THE TEACHER IS LECTURING AT THE BLACKBOARD.
TEACHER
Now, class, today we are going to learn about the class of animals
called the invertebrates. That is, animals that have no backbone.
Who can name an animal with no backbone? Eugene?
EUGENE
Worms, sir?
TEACHER
Yes, very good. Vanessa?
VANESSA
Jellyfish, sir?
TEACHER
Yes, that's good, too. Lisa?
LISA
Teachers, sir?
TEACHER
Teachers?
LISA
Well, it seemed to go well with worms and jellyfish, I decided it
had to be right.
TEACHER
Really? Well, it seems that detention goes well with you, and I'm
putting you there for a month! We'll see who's spineless.
LISA SINKS DOWN
IN HER CHAIR.
LOCKER ROOM
ALASDAIR AND EUGENE ARE SITTING ON THE BENCH, DRESSED IN FOOTBALL
UNIFORMS. THE COACH WALKS IN, BLOWING HIS WHISTLE.
COACH
All right, you guys, this is the big game. I want you to get out there
and be a bunch of animals today. I want you to be as fast as jackrabbits.
I want you to fight like lions! I want you to get out there and trample
them like elephants!
EUGENE
But, coach, we're playing the best team in the city!
COACH
I know! What difference does that make? Are you guys mice or men?
Now get out there!
THE COACH STOMPS
OUT.
EUGENE
I think I'm more of a mouse. What about you, Alasdair?
ALASDAIR
I'd rather be scared as a mouse than squashed like an insect. Let's
get out of here!
EUGENE
I'm with you.
THE JUMP INTO
THE LOCKERS TO HIDE, SQUEAKING ALL THE WAY.
BARTH'S (CRACKERS)
THE KIDS ARE SITTING IN THE BOOTH. BARTH WALKS UP TO THEM.
BARTH
Hey, would you kids like to try my new Barfy Animal Cracker burgers?
LISA
What's that, the burgers are made of animal crackers? That should
be an improvement.
BARTH
No, no. The burgers are in the shapes of animals, just like animal
crackers.
EUGENE
Hey, that sounds neat. Let's try some.
BARTH
Coming right up.
HE GOES OVER
TO THE KITCHEN WINDOW AND PICKS UP FOUR PLATES OF BURGERS AND GIVES
THEM TO THE KIDS.
BARTH
Here's a squirrel burger for you, Lisa, a sparrow burger for you,
Vanessa, a rabbit burger for you, Eugene, and a cat burger for you,
Alasdair.
VANESSA
Barth, these burgers are all round and flat, just like usual. They
aren't in the shapes of animals.
ALASDAIR
Sure they are! Round and flat is the shape the animals were in when
Barth scraped them off the road.
BARTH
I heard that...and it's true, too.
THE KIDS ALL
LEAN OVER THE SIDE AND THROW UP.
FIRING SQUAD
(ENDANGERED)
LISA IS TIED TO THE STAKE, DRESSED WILDLY AS BEFORE.
CAPITANO
Hey, amigos, we've got a real strange one, now. This one doesn't even
look like a kid. She looks more like some strange animal.
THE CAPITANO
AND THE AMIGOS (OS) LAUGH.
CAPITANO
OK, amigos, let's get this over with.. Ready...aim....
LISA
Hold it! Hold it!
CAPITANO
What is it this time?
LISA
Did you say I looked like a strange animal?
CAPITANO
Yes, I did.
LISA
Well, then I demand my freedom under the Endangered Species Law.
CAPITANO
What?
LISA
Well, I'm a strange animal, and those rifles are definitely endangering
me, so I must be an endangered species, right?
CAPITANO
Well, uh....
LISA
And under the Endangered Species Law, I can't be shot or hurt in any
way. You would all go to jail.
CAPITANO
Jail? Well, I guess you have a point, there. All right, away you go!
Vamoose!
LISA RUNS AWAY.
CAPITANO
Boy, that is one sneaky...whatever it was.
JUNGLE SET (PET)
ALASDAIR AND EUGENE ARE IN THE FOREST.
ALASDAIR
Do you see him anywhere, Eugene?
EUGENE
Nope. Here, Spike! Here, boy!
A TARZAN YELL
IS HEARD AGAIN, FOLLOWED BY COUGHING AND A CRASH. LES ENTERS, DRESSED
AS JOLK OF THE JUNGLE.
JOLK
Me Jolk of Jungle. King of....
EUGENE
Yeah, yeah, we've heard that before.
JOLK CLAMPS HIS
HAND OVER EUGENE'S MOUTH AND CONTINUES.
JOLK
King of Beasts. Ruler of Reptiles. Student who flunk English class.
ALASDAIR
We need some help from you. Our pet is lost out here. Can you find
him?
JOLK
Jolk find all animals. Watch.
HE GIVES ANOTHER
TARZAN YELL.
JOLK
Pet comes quick when Jolk call. What kind of pet you have? Puppy dog?
EUGENE
Not exactly.
JOLK
Kitty cat?
ALASDAIR
Well, no....
JOLK
No kitty cat? What kind of pet kids have?
ALASDAIR
A boa contrictor.
THERE IS A HISSING
SOUND, AND JOLK STARTS TO GET DRAGGED AWAY.
EUGENE
Spike! You came back! Good snake, good boy.
JOLK IS DRAGGED
OFF CAMERA.
ALASDAIR
Hey, thanks for finding our pet.
JOLK (STRANGLED)
No problem.
LINK SET (CLOSING)
CHRISTINE AND LISA ARE LOOKING UP INTO THE LIGHTS, WITH LISA DRESSED
WILDLY AS BEFORE.
LISA
Christine, I don't think Alasdair's going to come down from there.
CHRISTINE
Well, he better come down. It's time to end the show.
ROSS WALKS UP
TO THEM.
ROSS
Is the monkey still up on his perch?
LISA
I'm afraid so.
ROSS
Well, we can't wait for him. Get ready to roll the credits.
CHRISTINE
But Ross....
ROSS WALKS OFF.
CHRISTINE SHRUGS AND TURNS TO THE CAMERA. LISA CONTINUES TO WATCH
ABOVE HER.
CHRISTINE
Well, folks, I guess that wraps it up for....
LISA
Alasdair! Get away from that light!
THERE IS A CRACKLING
SOUND FOLLOWED BY A YELL. WE CUT TO A SHOT OF A DUMMY (DRESSED LIKE
ALASDAIR) FALLING FROM THE CATWALK, THEN BACK TO THE LINK SET, WHERE
THE GIRLS FIND ALASDAIR ON THE RISERS IN FRONT OF THEM.
CHRISTINE
Alasdair! Are you all right?
ALASDAIR GROANS
AND SITS UP.
ALASDAIR
Oh, my head hurts! Why did you have to hit me, Lisa?
LISA
I'm sorry.
ALASDAIR
Don't worry about it. Now let's get the show started.
CHRISTINE
Um, Alasdair, the show's over.
ALASDAIR
Over? How did that happen?
LISA
It's a long story. We'll tell you later.
ALASDAIR
All right, but I'm hungry now. Could I have a banana?
CHRISTINE
A banana?
LISA
Oh, no....
THE GIRLS START
TENDING TO ALASDAIR AND TRYING TO GIVE HIM FIRST AID AS WE... ROLL
CREDITS
PRODUCTION CREDIT
SHOT OF DOG ON THE LINK SET WITH THE "YOU CAN'T DO THAT ON TELEVISION"
LOGO.
ANNOUNCER (OVER)
"You Can't Do That On Television" has been a going to the dogs production.
ANNOUNCER'S BOOTH
ANNOUNCER
Going? It went years ago!
LINK SET (PARTY)
CHRISTINE IS ALONE ON THE SET. THE REST OF THE KIDS WALK UP TO HER,
ALL DRESSED WILDLY LIKE LISA. LISA IS CARRYING HER RADIO.
CHRISTINE
Hey, guys, what's this?
VANESSA
We decided that Lisa was right all along. This is the right kind of
wildlife for this show.
CHRISTINE
What? This show is about animals.
EUGENE
But Christine, we're still animals.
ALASDAIR
Yeah, party animals!
LISA TURNS ON
THE RADIO, AND ALL THE KIDS START DANCING
